Thoughts in boxes

Have you ever see your mind as a library or store room of many (endless) stuff? Because I do. There are compartments for knowledge, memories, people, favourites, dislikes, etc. And of course, there are overlaps between each other (I mean, that's just how messy I am). And there are some thoughts that have been shut nicely in their own box, kept away, undisturbed. But there are some that are being reopened so many times that I lost count (yes, I am an overthinker - in case you are wondering). And mind you, these are the kind of thoughts that best kept shut - because they hurt. 

And I thought I had long forgiven myself (read: self-healing) and moved on. But I proved myself wrong. Every time I am facing a difficulty, these thoughts resurfaced and nudged my sanity over and over again. So I wondered, have I ever healed to begin with? 

Why is there so much of resentment and guilt around all these? 

What's the line between perseverance and self-love? 

How do I keep my sanity and keep on pushing through with a smile on my face? 

How do I keep being kind when all I want to do is break down and just cry? 

How do I continue giving when I am just filled with void? 

Can someone help me? 

24042022

0824H

Read More

it is not just that

May peace be upon us all


I had just finished my theory papers. Only written OSCE is left. 


I would not want to comment on the past. Let it be it. And I hope people wouldn't make their comments as well. Bluntly. No one knows what someone else's answers are. You hardly knows her/his condition for you to comment as you please.


Let's take an example. A student left the examination hall half an hour earlier. What is our first impression? "hebat tul dia ni. mesti boleh jawab". Indeed, nothing is wrong about that. Baguslah, bersangka baik. The problem may arise if you delivered such comment to him/her. Because in reality, it may not be just that. Perhaps that student really had no answer so he/she decided to leave early? Don't you think such comments would hurt him/her even more? 


If I were in such situation, I am hardly bothered to such comments because I had had worse insults. Nevertheless, I had met someone who broke into tears because of such comments. She had been through a lot just to cope with her own feelings and frustration of not being able to do well and when people added such remarks, she could not take it any more. 


This entry is not to blame anyone but I just hope we all know that our words had a lot of power in it. 


Pesan buat diri: kata-kata yang baik itu dapat membantu membentuk hikmah






*It is not okay to be just okay. You are let alive so that you will live your best!*

Read More

striving only at words :'(

Salam.



It had been a while since I did some babbling here. Lately, I had been using :'( a lot. Exam mood I suppose:)

Today marked the end of clinical assessment for the session(if I pass) and also, I met my supervisor officially for the last time. He asked a lot questions regarding our exams, the questions which were introduced to us, how are we doing and etc... In short, he cared. That is not the issue. Throughout the conversation, I realized one thing: my supervisors had been giving me a lot and lots and lots of info but somehow, I couldn't do well in the exams? Too bad. The cases that I got for both of my short and long cases had all been discussed in great length during teaching, yet I told the examiners nonsense? Ridiculous. Somehow this made me realised that I am not being serious in my studies. Am I? I am not giving enough attention, not striving hard enough, did not give my maximum effort and yet I acted like I had done my very best. I am such a great liar T.T

I am not sure if I repeated the same mistakes in the previous postings. I am too afraid to admit that (a true cowardy). Frankly speaking, to pass has become so trivial to me(a part of me think it is good to fail~). Still, this is not the end of my journey. Let's strive and hopefully this will be depicted in my actions.

"Usaha dan tawakal. InsyaAllah"
"Best of luck!"

Ucapkanlah sesuka hatimu. Suarakan mengikut kehendakmu. Biarpun kata-katamu itu tidak bermanfaat lagi menyakitkan. Sesungguhnya aku punya Allah yang Maha Mendengar:)

Read More

no man's burden

May peace be upon us all

One of my dreams: to be no man's burden.

I doubt that I will ever make that comes true. For two main reasons:

1. I am not perfect. Mudah je.
2. Saya ni satu tanggungjawab bagi orang lain(bukan nk ckp tanggungjawab tu beban, tp boleh jadi). Terutamanya ayah. Mek. Abang. Kakak. Keluarga. Saudara. Kawan. Musuh? Ringkasnya, semua orang. InsyaAllah, kalau ada umur dan rezeki, orang itu.

 Kenapa plk? Sbb kn kta ni diwajibkan utk memelihara diri n ahli keluarga dari api neraka. Memelihara agama. Dan agama itu bukanlah tertakluk kepada ibadah khusus semata-mata. Pergaulan yang baik=ibadah. Nasihat, menyampaikan ilmu=ibadah. Marah terhadap kemungkaran=ibadah. Ringkasnya, semua pun ibadah apabila diniatkan kerana Allah dan menepati syariat.

Mungkin kita selalu lupa, diri kita ni, aset bagi mak ayah. Some kind of secret tunnels of deeds and sins. Why? Coz our parents are responsible to teach and guide us the right way. If we do good deeds, they got the pahala. When we commit sins, they have their share as well. Xkesian ke?

 Kita pilih jalan hidup kita, well, it's our business. Of course it is but our life is part of somebody else's life as well. Someone I love and care about told me this: "nape kakak nk jd Doktor? Asyik sibuk je…kn da susah nk jmpa…". It comes from a naïve and innocent girl. Deep in my heart, I felt guilty, thinking that I had spent too much of my life for myself and that caused less time spent with her. Perhaps other people thought of the same thing(T.T) Allahua'lam. Diri ini cuma boleh berdoa moga si kecil ini dan mereka yang kusayangi akan faham dan moga Allah terus berikan kekuatan untuk meneruskan langkah.

Contohnya, Kalau anak dara nk kuar malam slalu, kan mak risau? Meskipun ad keperluan, still risau kn? Kenape nk risau? Yela, kn kat luar tu byk lelaki yg kurang beriman, nanti kang jadi mangsa rompak, rogol, bunuh, etc. Nape mak nk fikir negatif? Bukannya keluar sorang pun, dengan kawan. Everything is possible dear. This is a quote often used to encourage us to do something but it can happen in a negative way too. So, mcm mana nk elakkan dari berlaku? Cegah. Prevention is better than cure=) Jadi xyah keluar. Bukan nak cakap keluar tu haram, tapi kalau xbawa manfaat buat apa? Fikirkan keutamaannya. Perlu ke x? manfaat vs bahaya/risiko. Contohnya dunia perubatan. Seringkali war-warkan gaya hidup sihat. Makanan yg seimbang. Bersenam. Kenapa? CEGAH penyakit. Xsume penyakit ada ubat/penawar(di saat ini, benar Allah janjikan setiap sesuatu ada ubatnya kecuali mati). Kalau nak bagi ubat pun, Dr akan sentiasa pertimbangkan kebaikan dan kesan sampingannya. Dr dan kita berikhtiar, Allah tentukan. Kita usaha untuk beramal, moga Allah kurniakan rahmat-Nya. Mak ayah nasihat, kita dengar ke tidak? Agama tetapkan batasnya, kita patuh atau rempuh? Allah tunjukkan dua jalan, yg mudah atau sukar yg didaki?

Tu baru bahaya di dunia. Api neraka? Lagi x tertanggung. Diri kita sendiri pun xpasti terselamat, janganlah menambah beban org lain. Mestila kita xnk ayah/abang/suami kita diazab kerana dosa kita kan? No man's burden. I want to be one.

kekalkanlah status kita sebagai hamba di dunia ini, moga kita merdeka buat selamanya di akhirat kelak. 

Selalu, kta terlupa, atau xsedar, atau terlepas pandang yg ramai org kisahkan kita.

Kita xsolat, org ingatkan. Mungkin ad yg tegur direct. Atau ad yg ajak solat jemaah. Or perhaps just some hint: Ganjaran bagi mereka yg menunaikan solat, Akibat meninggalkan solat, dll. Well, everyone have their on way. At least, they CARE. Jadi, jgn marah xsemena-mena.

Isy, xmasuk tjuk pun. Sbnrny nk ckp, kta ni sentiasa terlibat dgn org lain.siyes melalut

What comes around goes around. 

Terkesan dgn video nih tp tuan punya dia xbg reupload, so juz share link je. 

*p/s: Atas Nama Cinta? benarkah cinta itu? muhasabah diri T.T

Read More

Likulli haqqin haqqa

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Baru je sy ditegur oleh abg sy... Katanya: likulli haqqin haqqa... Mksdnya sesuatu yg berhak itu ada haknya(btul kn?ni ap yg sy fhmla)... Ibadah,usrah,study,ukhuwah,riadah,rehat,etc... Kta sume pun da sedia maklum ttg sume tanggungjawab ni... Cuma sering kali diri ni terlupa... Sbb bila ditegur mcm tu, tersentak rasanya... Mana xnya, asyik layan fb je... Buku xbukak, nota xbaca, clerk pun xjgk... Konon, semangat da xde... Alasan je tu... Emosi x stabil, penat, sakit... Entahla, nk ckp tipu mcm betul... Tp kalau nk dilayankn, sampai bila? Sbb tu, nk pesan, rujuk balik kt tajuk tuh~ awlawiyatnya pada yg mana? Btul x? Moga Allah permudahkan urusan kta sume...

Yakinlah, bahawa Allah adalah sebaik-baik perancang.

Read More

~a comeback~

Peace be upon those who seek Guidance and Blessings from the Almighty

It had been a while since I kept the promise made to myself- to update this blog once a month. Yup, since the last entry, it was three months which nearly made up my whole semester. A crap one, I would say. A crap semester full with crap performance and excuses, just like a crab failing to walk straight. Countless reflections were done but nothing seems to change. Why is this??? I am truly sorry for such negativity but at this moment in time, I feel the urge to voice this out so that it would dawn on me that I am not good at all, far from being even a mediocre student. In a way, this is to tell the world that I am still in the quest of becoming a better person and I am not who you think I am.

All this while, nonsense had been going on and I have never been able to shut off such nonsense. 'Top student', 'cream of the cream' and all other labels had been stuck to the medical students(I am actually talking about myself) like shadows. If these labels were indeed true, they would be the greatest booster for our motivation but if the truth is the opposite, it feels like death sentence. Let me give an example:['You just bought a look-alike iPhone 5 because you could not afford the real one. Everyone around you are so impressed and awed by that 'iP5' you owned. Despite of telling them that the 'iP5' you owned is just a counterfeit, they insisted it is the original.] Hmmmm..... what to say? people just won't believe your words(never mind, above all, Allah always knows =D ).

I hope you won't absorb this negativity as it is, but use it to create positive energy in you. Just like what I am doing and always doing, hopefully, I would be able to endure the worst of all. A boost of motivation I got from someone who had helped a lot along the way:

"Don’t be too downhearted about the difficulties you are facing, both with your English and the medical course. All serious study is like that and what seems impossibly difficult now will be so easy for you in a couple of years’ time.

Best wishes"

Yup, best wishes everyone. Just like this title, I wish to make a comeback, to be my good and worthful 'self' again...

"And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out; And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent."(at-Talaq: 2-3)

"Our Lord, grant us from Yourself mercy and prepare for us from our affair right guidance." (al-Kahf: 10)

Read More

How many times?

I have told myself 'something' once. And another thing happened. I pushed it all aside and started fresh.

Not really fresh I guess, since I deliberately leave a mark without a known reason. Perhaps because I do not want history to repeat itself.

But now, a certain someone said the exact same 'something'. And now it resounds in my head. And again. And again. What actually happened? I thought I had been thinking over it enough to get over it but…

I think I had been living my life quite well this few years, hadn't I? I thought I had confronted this and could walk-off feeling free. If that is really true, then what am I experiencing now?

Some things are best confronted and some things are better to be left alone. Yet, there is always the grey zone. Not knowing what to do, I pledge for help… soon enough, I'll find the answers, insyaAllah…

Celine Dion: Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

Pasted from <http://www.lyrics007.com/Celine%20Dion%20Lyrics/Because%20You%20Loved%20Me%20Lyrics.html&gt

Ya Allah, janganlah walau seketika cuma Engkau jadikan aku lupa bahawa aku hanyalah hamba pada-Mu

Read More

Will and Persevere #01

Every medical student (MS) will say that it is not easy to be a MS. Some others would say, "it is really hard to be MS". Perhaps we, MS overlooked the fact that it is not easy to be anyone(who is decent, of course!). If life were made to be easy, quote such as 'no pain no gain' won't exist. If every bird catches fat, fleshy worms, is there any point of being early?(referring to the quote 'early bird catches the worm'). You may be thinking that you are facing the hardest obstacle ever in the world's history but some other man may be thinking of the exact same thing. Why? For everything that ever happens to you, it is the best for you. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Fun and grief. Laugh and tears. Hope and despair. Success and failure.

Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?

(Al-ankabut: 2)

How am I about to handle a living when I am about to be torn apart by things which I thought to be unmanageable? Or cause me unbearable pain? Or bring me to the end of my wits? Allah is always there, plead to Him. There should not be any other to be relied upon except Allah.

Life is not about being an island in the vast sea. It is about interaction, communication and all other things around you. Religion, faith, family, friends, career, relatives, relationships. All these cost you something. Energy, thoughts, emotions, time, money and every other thing you may want to name it. It is normal to be exhausted, to cry and to feel hopeless as we are only His servants. It is Allah who is Powerful and Absolute.

Therefore, my dear self, have faith in Allah for Allah is the Creator and Owner of this world, and the Strong, the All-knowing and with Allah's will only, something will happen. You may expect the worst but never stop hoping for the best. You may had done it wrongly, so don't repeat the same mistake.

To everyone else, I am sorry if I have ever done anything wrong.
If I pulled my face when you were expecting a smile.
If I raised my voice just because I was so selfish to think that I am the only one who is stressed out.
If I hang up because I just didn't feel like talking anymore.
If I declined anything when you were hoping the most of it.
If I ever made you worry by anything you know/see/listen about me.
If I kept quiet when I should have said something.
If I spoke something that tore your heart.
If I didn't bother to make some time to spend together just because I thought that we might have some other time to spend together and wished that you would understand that I am such a busy person(when I was actually too dumb to realize that it was otherwise).
If I was frustrated and disappointed with you because I thought that I should come first before anything you were doing.
To put it simply, if I ever be selfish and unfair to you, and for every other wrong doings, I am truly sorry.

O Allah, I seek refuge from You, the Almighty from being among those who suffer in the world and in the hereafter. Grant me the strength, the patience, the will and the perseverance to walk through this enduring path of seeking Your Love and Blessings. May all of us be among those who win the eternal prize, al-Jannah.

A great man is an ordinary man doing extraordinary things. Don't let others define your life. It belongs to Allah.

Simple.

Read More

For you and me... a reminder for the heart and soul

Assalamualaikum

be strong, for you are the strongest person of yourself
be good, so that nothing bad comes from you
be patient, for everything comes from Allah
be tough and resilient, perhaps success is just about to be yours

people may think i am a superhuman. i ain't. we are all 'insan' made by Allah.

people may think i am always at the great side. that's a myth. we walk the same path. the life. Granted by Allah. I do stumble and fall. I get scratches and cuts and I can assure you that I am not some mutant creature. you and i are the same.

Let us all be strong and unite, for united we stand, divided we fall.

I pray for the best of all, for you and me, for this world and hereafter. InsyaAllah

Dan rahsiakanlah perkataanmu atau lahirkanlah; sesungguhnya Dia(Allah) Maha Mengetahui segala isi hati. (al-Mulk:13)

*p/s: blip2 benar2 merindui blup2. amat.

Read More

~kita~

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Alhamdulillah setelah beberapa hari tangguh buat entry kali ni…

Allah Maha Besar, Maha Agung. Dengan izin-Nya, kini saya menggalas amanah baru, di samping amanah dan tanggungjawab yang sedia ada. Bukan mudah untuk menerimanya, rasa takut dan gerun pun ada. Masakan tidak, nilaian Allah kini makin melebar ruang lingkupnya kepada mereka yang telah memberi kepercayaan kepada diri ini.

Andainya diri ini seorang, tidak terwujud amanah ini. Tanpa sokongan dari sahabat, tidak tergalas amanah ini. Tanpa keluarga dan sahabat yang memahami, tidak mungkin sanggup diri ini memikul tanggungjawab. Diri ini mungkin bukan yang terbaik, tapi insyaAllah berusaha menjadi sebaik mungkin. Sebagai hamba Allah, khalifah di bumi, ahli keluarga, sahabat, rakan seperjuangan dan banyak lagi…

Andainya diri ini leka, maka peringatkanlah…

Andai diri ini silap, maka tegurlah…

Andai diri ini salah, maka perbetulkanlah…

Semoga keluarga dan sahabat terus menyokong dan memberikan semangat buat diri yang lemah ni…

Bersamalah kita mengejar keredhaan Allah kerana itulah matlamat akhir setiap insan, maka andainya lalai dari matlamat itu, semoga Allah kembali memimpin kita ke jalan-Nya…

Xberani nak tulis banyak sebab risau xterbuat. Sesungguhnya firman Allah surah As-Saff:2-3

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman, mengapakah kamu mengatakan sesuatu yang tidak kamu kerjakan?, amat besar kebencian di sisi Allah jika kamu mengatakan apa yg tidak kamu kerjakan."

Jadi, saya mohon tunjuk ajar, nasihat, peringatan, teguran, kritikan dari semua, semoga menjadi lebih baik dari sebelumnya. InsyaAllah.

TQ sume^^

*p/s, insyaAllah petang ni akan bertolak ke ulu yam(Kembara Srikandi), tolong doakan keselamatan peserta n kelancaran program ye... moga semuanya sentiasa dalam naungan rahmat n barakah Allah...aaminn

Read More

To forget, is just human...

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

When I thought that everything is fine, there is something I forgot.. That this won't last long

When I thought I am doing my study just fine, I forgot that life is not all about my study

When I thought that my social life is great, I forgot that among those I love, someone may be hiding one's pain deep inside

When I thought I could be blessed by Allah, I forgot that no one knows except Allah and I am just being complacent. Ya Allah, save me from the fire of Your Hell and do grant me Your Love and Blessings

When I thought that I had done everything I could, I forgot that nothing really ends before my last breath…

16 Disember 2010 11:08

Ya Allah, ampunilah dosaku, ibubapaku, keluargaku, guru-guruku, sahabatku n seluruh umat Islam dan jadikanlah kami mereka yang mencintai-Mu dan Rasul-Mu lebih dari segala sesuatu yang lain, membenci maksiat sebagaimana kami benci dicampakkan ke dalam api neraka dan mencintai seseorang kerana cinta kepada-Mu. Aamin

Read More

Live. Love. Let go.

One phrase. Four words with three full stops. I like it. I couldn't remember where did I read this for the first time and when. I could only tell that it got stuck in my head ever since. Yes. Because to me, that is what we should do. Live. Love. Let go.

Live.

Live ur life. The best you possibly could.

Love.

Love Allah. Love what Allah loves and everyone who loves Allah.

Let go.

The time will definitely come when you need to let go. Everything. Inevitably. No more reason. No more excuses. Just let it go. Only by then, will you be satisfied of your life or regretted it.

Should I add some words to it. The world.

Live. Love. Let go the world.

It ends there. Non-believers say that we live only once. Definitely not. We die once. Yes. We will be resurrected again. For eternity. Be it in heaven or hell. The other life depends on this life. Yes. THIS LIFE. That is why you need to live and live your life well.

I mean no harm nor offense by this post. Just voicing out my hidden, silent thoughts and feelings.

The truth is: I love my friends> be you Muslims or non-believers. I love you and that is the reason I want you to know the truth as well.

Read More