32 years old...

 and never knew how much more time I have left... 

Alhamdulillah.

10 years ago  - 2013. I think (as far as I could remember) I was still eager to be a surgeon. Living my days as medical student - learning, practicing, managing stress, making friends, meeting new people, whilst trying to pass my medical school so I could become a doctor. Why? Because I wanted to be a surgeon. 

and fast forward 10 years, I am on my way to become one - yet to defend my thesis this coming Monday (July 10th) and insyaAllah if I passed, final exam in October and November. 

p/s: these past four years - there were so many moments I wanted to quit (perhaps still do). I am not sure myself what made me stay :P

15 years ago - 2008. I completed my SPM - offered scholarship to study medicine oversea (but wasn't the region that I wanted so I turned it down and made an appeal). Enrolled in matriculation. Lived my introvert life. Close circle of friends - roommates, tutormates (chief, Farah, Shikin, Aisyah, Nash, and many more) esp Farah who tirelessly woke me up every time I dozed off during lectures. Received a call regarding my appeal - I was offered another scholarship at selected region, but this time the course offered was: Nuclear Physics. In that short instance, I didn't know what I was thinking or what led me to the decision- but I remembered asking if they offered medical course which obviously they didn't and then I said: "I am sorry I have to turn down the offer, but I wanted to do medicine". Well, that decision led me to where I am now. And definitely met many beautiful souls along the way 🥰

Given the chance to turn back time- Would I choose the same? 

Probably not. Miahahahaha. Once I told my boss - the price is too much to pay. 

That doesn't matter because we are where we are now. So, let's live the moment <3 

So, today I want to wish good things for myself and for many others who have been kind or is kind to me or reminds me of kindness🤲🏽

Happy happy happy prosperous day and have a great a life ahead 💐🎉🎊

And may Allah bless us and safeguard us in this world and hereafter. 

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no man's burden

May peace be upon us all

One of my dreams: to be no man's burden.

I doubt that I will ever make that comes true. For two main reasons:

1. I am not perfect. Mudah je.
2. Saya ni satu tanggungjawab bagi orang lain(bukan nk ckp tanggungjawab tu beban, tp boleh jadi). Terutamanya ayah. Mek. Abang. Kakak. Keluarga. Saudara. Kawan. Musuh? Ringkasnya, semua orang. InsyaAllah, kalau ada umur dan rezeki, orang itu.

 Kenapa plk? Sbb kn kta ni diwajibkan utk memelihara diri n ahli keluarga dari api neraka. Memelihara agama. Dan agama itu bukanlah tertakluk kepada ibadah khusus semata-mata. Pergaulan yang baik=ibadah. Nasihat, menyampaikan ilmu=ibadah. Marah terhadap kemungkaran=ibadah. Ringkasnya, semua pun ibadah apabila diniatkan kerana Allah dan menepati syariat.

Mungkin kita selalu lupa, diri kita ni, aset bagi mak ayah. Some kind of secret tunnels of deeds and sins. Why? Coz our parents are responsible to teach and guide us the right way. If we do good deeds, they got the pahala. When we commit sins, they have their share as well. Xkesian ke?

 Kita pilih jalan hidup kita, well, it's our business. Of course it is but our life is part of somebody else's life as well. Someone I love and care about told me this: "nape kakak nk jd Doktor? Asyik sibuk je…kn da susah nk jmpa…". It comes from a naïve and innocent girl. Deep in my heart, I felt guilty, thinking that I had spent too much of my life for myself and that caused less time spent with her. Perhaps other people thought of the same thing(T.T) Allahua'lam. Diri ini cuma boleh berdoa moga si kecil ini dan mereka yang kusayangi akan faham dan moga Allah terus berikan kekuatan untuk meneruskan langkah.

Contohnya, Kalau anak dara nk kuar malam slalu, kan mak risau? Meskipun ad keperluan, still risau kn? Kenape nk risau? Yela, kn kat luar tu byk lelaki yg kurang beriman, nanti kang jadi mangsa rompak, rogol, bunuh, etc. Nape mak nk fikir negatif? Bukannya keluar sorang pun, dengan kawan. Everything is possible dear. This is a quote often used to encourage us to do something but it can happen in a negative way too. So, mcm mana nk elakkan dari berlaku? Cegah. Prevention is better than cure=) Jadi xyah keluar. Bukan nak cakap keluar tu haram, tapi kalau xbawa manfaat buat apa? Fikirkan keutamaannya. Perlu ke x? manfaat vs bahaya/risiko. Contohnya dunia perubatan. Seringkali war-warkan gaya hidup sihat. Makanan yg seimbang. Bersenam. Kenapa? CEGAH penyakit. Xsume penyakit ada ubat/penawar(di saat ini, benar Allah janjikan setiap sesuatu ada ubatnya kecuali mati). Kalau nak bagi ubat pun, Dr akan sentiasa pertimbangkan kebaikan dan kesan sampingannya. Dr dan kita berikhtiar, Allah tentukan. Kita usaha untuk beramal, moga Allah kurniakan rahmat-Nya. Mak ayah nasihat, kita dengar ke tidak? Agama tetapkan batasnya, kita patuh atau rempuh? Allah tunjukkan dua jalan, yg mudah atau sukar yg didaki?

Tu baru bahaya di dunia. Api neraka? Lagi x tertanggung. Diri kita sendiri pun xpasti terselamat, janganlah menambah beban org lain. Mestila kita xnk ayah/abang/suami kita diazab kerana dosa kita kan? No man's burden. I want to be one.

kekalkanlah status kita sebagai hamba di dunia ini, moga kita merdeka buat selamanya di akhirat kelak. 

Selalu, kta terlupa, atau xsedar, atau terlepas pandang yg ramai org kisahkan kita.

Kita xsolat, org ingatkan. Mungkin ad yg tegur direct. Atau ad yg ajak solat jemaah. Or perhaps just some hint: Ganjaran bagi mereka yg menunaikan solat, Akibat meninggalkan solat, dll. Well, everyone have their on way. At least, they CARE. Jadi, jgn marah xsemena-mena.

Isy, xmasuk tjuk pun. Sbnrny nk ckp, kta ni sentiasa terlibat dgn org lain.siyes melalut

What comes around goes around. 

Terkesan dgn video nih tp tuan punya dia xbg reupload, so juz share link je. 

*p/s: Atas Nama Cinta? benarkah cinta itu? muhasabah diri T.T

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Memories are meant to be treasured

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

My posting now officially ends. Of course, I am already in the study w

eek. Now comes the marathon of the two postings. Thus, I would like to compile the lessons I learnt from my lecturers throughout these few weeks. Perhaps some are missing, for I might have forgotten them and before the rest get faded away, let me engrave them in this little world of mine.

Homework need to be done on the same day. If not, you failed as a student!.

Hmm... well said. I have been trying to accomplish the above, but it was not successful every time. I don't want to be a CaTakSeruKin(cakap tak serupa bikin) but I thing this tips(or threat? :P ) is very useful.

You are not being systematic at all. You need to learn how to do things systematically so you won't miss any important points.

Early innocent days. Indeed, when you do things systematically, you will find it easier and thus, you feel more confident in yourself! (which is vital for a medical student)

Make yourself useful.

You can sit silent at the side and observe things while waiting for instructions. However, if you know that you can actually help, why don't you? You get the chance to do things, to experience something your friend may not be able to and perhaps, impress your lecturer!(This are just extra benefits, let's get our niat sincere:) )

Always be humble. You can always learn from other people even if you are already a consultant.

You might not believe me but the person who said this is already a senior consultant. Allah is always the Greatest, whatever you have is granted by Him, everything you know is bestowed upon you by Allah. In the end, everything belongs to Allah. O Allah, please let me be among those who love to share knowledge and allowed oneself to be taught and not among those who are arrogant and selfish.

Being a medical student is to build the database you are going to use later.

I always think that the lecturers are expecting too much but I should know things that I should know right? There is no excuse for that. To be a doctor who heals rather than kills,

then it is a must for me to know more rather than less right? O Allah, make me among those who undoubtedly have faith in You, endlessly seek for Your blessings in everything I put my effort into and never make me among those who give up and lose hope.

Do the correct thing from the start.

This advice might not be applicable to everyone, since one might have made a mistake(like me T,T ). However, you should not repeat the same mistake and if possible, learn from other people mistake's too. Improve yourself!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

You might not need a surgeon to tell you this, but who knows this might be your survival

tips later on, especially when you hardly have time for yourself :)

I have never liked teaching.

This statement is totally contradictory to who the surgeon really is. He is always dedicated towards his students and has been sharing endless tips every second he gets the chance to do so! This just made into one of my favourite memories :) Nevertheless, never make a teacher says this and means it!

So far, I have never found a student who says that he wants to become a neurosurgeon because he really likes the brain.

This might have no impact to you but to me, it means a lot. Old stories.

It seems to me that you are not learning at all!

From the sound of it, you are sure that this is a scolding right? Indeed. Moral of the story, you need to learn because of Allah(ikhlas) but your teacher's blessings is important too. Don't piss them off or disappoint them. They deserve your respect and more importantly, you owe them the good result they would like to see after they spent their time and effort to teach you!(a warning for myself)

The last message from my beloved supervisor:

"Can you stand out in the next medical posting? You need to improve yourself."

I'm sure this tells you that I had done poorly in my last posting :( but lessons learnt. Be an active learner. Volunteer yourself. Never be ashamed of trying. Share knowledge. InsyaAllah Doctor, I will improve myself!

Even when you think you had done your best, there is always room for improvement. That is why no one is perfect!

Ya Allah yang menguasai hati, tetapkan hatiku dalam agama-Mu, dalam mentaati-Mu dan di atas jalan-Mu.

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Trapezium and parallelogram…

They just don't have the line of symmetry(except for a square and rectangle- since a square/rectangle is a parallelogram too)!

Pelajar: "mana ad cikgu! Trapezium and parallelogram ada garisan simetri laa"

Cikgu: Dari mana awak blajar ni? xcaya pulak ckgu ckp. Meh sini ckgu tunjuk…

(cikgu tu pun lukis hakikat yg sebenarnye)…

Pelajar: "takkanla….xpela, nt sy check balik"

Cikgu: xnak percaya lg? xpe, nt awak try gunting sendiri, pastu lipat sendiri sampai dapat(sarkastik)

Believing in the absolutely false fact, the student refused to accept the truth. Not until she couldn't prove that the line of symmetry existed. Eventually, she learned that the trapezium and parallelogram really don't have the line of symmetry.

Some things/facts, are just unacceptable at times. Though they are the REAL truth. It is unfathomable why this happens. The truth is thought to be untrue? Funny. Maybe because truth does not always mean good news or happiness. At times, truth can be devastating. Facts can be manipulated. Fate has its own twist. History may only reveal part of itself which leads to misunderstanding.

What I really want to say is: some things are just beyond your control because it is what it is.

*in the state of confusion*

Allah always has the 'hikmah' for everything that happens.

"…

Saya berdoa kepada Allah supaya kurniakan saya kekuatan, kesabaran dan dedikasi untuk mematuhi ikrar ini sepanjang masa"(late noon; 15/6/2011)

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Will and Persevere #01

Every medical student (MS) will say that it is not easy to be a MS. Some others would say, "it is really hard to be MS". Perhaps we, MS overlooked the fact that it is not easy to be anyone(who is decent, of course!). If life were made to be easy, quote such as 'no pain no gain' won't exist. If every bird catches fat, fleshy worms, is there any point of being early?(referring to the quote 'early bird catches the worm'). You may be thinking that you are facing the hardest obstacle ever in the world's history but some other man may be thinking of the exact same thing. Why? For everything that ever happens to you, it is the best for you. Ups and downs. Highs and lows. Fun and grief. Laugh and tears. Hope and despair. Success and failure.

Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?

(Al-ankabut: 2)

How am I about to handle a living when I am about to be torn apart by things which I thought to be unmanageable? Or cause me unbearable pain? Or bring me to the end of my wits? Allah is always there, plead to Him. There should not be any other to be relied upon except Allah.

Life is not about being an island in the vast sea. It is about interaction, communication and all other things around you. Religion, faith, family, friends, career, relatives, relationships. All these cost you something. Energy, thoughts, emotions, time, money and every other thing you may want to name it. It is normal to be exhausted, to cry and to feel hopeless as we are only His servants. It is Allah who is Powerful and Absolute.

Therefore, my dear self, have faith in Allah for Allah is the Creator and Owner of this world, and the Strong, the All-knowing and with Allah's will only, something will happen. You may expect the worst but never stop hoping for the best. You may had done it wrongly, so don't repeat the same mistake.

To everyone else, I am sorry if I have ever done anything wrong.
If I pulled my face when you were expecting a smile.
If I raised my voice just because I was so selfish to think that I am the only one who is stressed out.
If I hang up because I just didn't feel like talking anymore.
If I declined anything when you were hoping the most of it.
If I ever made you worry by anything you know/see/listen about me.
If I kept quiet when I should have said something.
If I spoke something that tore your heart.
If I didn't bother to make some time to spend together just because I thought that we might have some other time to spend together and wished that you would understand that I am such a busy person(when I was actually too dumb to realize that it was otherwise).
If I was frustrated and disappointed with you because I thought that I should come first before anything you were doing.
To put it simply, if I ever be selfish and unfair to you, and for every other wrong doings, I am truly sorry.

O Allah, I seek refuge from You, the Almighty from being among those who suffer in the world and in the hereafter. Grant me the strength, the patience, the will and the perseverance to walk through this enduring path of seeking Your Love and Blessings. May all of us be among those who win the eternal prize, al-Jannah.

A great man is an ordinary man doing extraordinary things. Don't let others define your life. It belongs to Allah.

Simple.

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Live. Love. Let go.

One phrase. Four words with three full stops. I like it. I couldn't remember where did I read this for the first time and when. I could only tell that it got stuck in my head ever since. Yes. Because to me, that is what we should do. Live. Love. Let go.

Live.

Live ur life. The best you possibly could.

Love.

Love Allah. Love what Allah loves and everyone who loves Allah.

Let go.

The time will definitely come when you need to let go. Everything. Inevitably. No more reason. No more excuses. Just let it go. Only by then, will you be satisfied of your life or regretted it.

Should I add some words to it. The world.

Live. Love. Let go the world.

It ends there. Non-believers say that we live only once. Definitely not. We die once. Yes. We will be resurrected again. For eternity. Be it in heaven or hell. The other life depends on this life. Yes. THIS LIFE. That is why you need to live and live your life well.

I mean no harm nor offense by this post. Just voicing out my hidden, silent thoughts and feelings.

The truth is: I love my friends> be you Muslims or non-believers. I love you and that is the reason I want you to know the truth as well.

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