Scariest moment

 

I have been emotional recently.

 

And often when I am feeling low, I will remind myself of my lowest moment and thought 'I had been through that, so I will go through this too'.

Last night, I was reminded of my scariest moment. Not sure why but I kind of replayed the event one by one, still very clearly in my mind.

Why was it my scariest moment? Because I thought I might lose my mom, from a complication which arose from my own ignorance (or lack of attention - however you want to name it).

 

I still remember - it was on a weekend and I was oncall (ED call). I was resuscitating an UGIB patient in red zone when a call from my brother came in. He said: "Mek's BP was initially unrecordable, only on the third time I could get a reading and the HR was 130+".At that time, I felt my world stopped.

What an irony.

I was resuscitating patient at work and my most beloved person was collapsing at home? All I could muster was - bring her to ED (the nearest hospital to my home was not the hospital I was working at). I really feel like going home there and then, and yet I was still resuscitating my patient. Me being an overthinker thought: it was on a weekend - who would want to replace my call? Regardless, I sent a text in our group asking for kind souls to replace my call - and within minutes the MO captain called me and told me to attend to my mom, the other two colleagues could cover for my absence for the rest of the day (wherever both of you are - I wish you well and ease in your affairs). And as soon as my patient was stabilised, my colleagues took over from me.

 

So I went to the hospital my mom was at - and with the BP just now, it just made perfect sense for her to be in RZ right?I asked for permission to go in - and I saw her lying on the bed looking very lethargic but still putting up the sweetest smile for me, just like every strong mom would do.

Then I asked about her blood results; urea almost 30, creat 700++, K 7.6, ph 7.0 with single digit HCO3 (the numbers were so gory I could never forget them).

I saw there was inotrope running, looked at her empty urinary bag, and I suppose my face then was already asking the question because the moment I looked at the ED registrar- she told me: "3L went in, BP still not picking up, nil urine, we got to start her on norad". I did not have any further questions, and I knew my questions would not be helping them either so I took my leave. Before leaving, I kissed her forehead to excuse myself, and whilst doing that I tried smiling at my mom, but probably she could see the despair through it anyway- all moms have this superpower of reading you like a book.

The moment I went to the waiting area, I looked at my dad and my siblings - and I was very grateful my brother already briefed them on my mom's situation, I just couldn't muster any words. 

 

Alhamdulillah my mom survived the ordeal - thanks to the great effort by ED, ICU and surgical team of Hospital Selayang (2019). I couldn't imagine if otherwise had happened.

 

Boss (or a friend- as he claimed) always said: "God is kind" (although for a different context); but as I rerun these memories yesterday, I remembered his words.

Truly, God is kind. I would've lost myself if my mom didn't make it. Even with her surviving the event, it took me a long while to recollect myself and overcome the self-blame - how could a mother to a surgical trainee had multiorgan failure/ hypovolemic shock from high ileostomy output? Pathetic right?  

Even until now, the thought of losing my parent scares the hell out of me, and yup, I am clinging to every bit of hope that I will always have another day/ weekend to see them. And have I told you yet - that if I were to make them smile, I would be the proudest person on earth for being the reason behind their smiles. 

Mek and Ayah, I lnmusm (love and miss you so much). May Allah protect you both always and envelop you with love and joy. 

 

 

 

And here I am feeling scared and anxious of what comes ahead - is there any major decision need to be made soon? 

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Satu masa dahulu. Dan kini.

 Itqan. 

Bersungguh-sungguh dalam setiap perkara. 

Dahulu, guruku berpesan: semangat pasti akan ada bila adanya cinta dalam melakukan sesuatu (Cikgu Sharifah - sayang cikgu, sebab bagi saya tidur bila perlu :P)

Semasa di bangku persekolahan - tidak pernah timbul soal semangat. Pernah ada rasa culas, tapi sementara. Tidak sampai berlarutan. 

Tidak pernah timbul soalan - mampukah aku? Mungkin aku semborono. Mungkin aku tidak berfikir panjang. Seolah-olahnya: 'persetankan semua yang boleh terjadi, biar apa pun ia. Asalkan aku berikan yang terbaik'. 

Pernah dalam perjalanan (tidak ingat dari mana dan ke mana) - ayah bertanya: Mah rasa, apa agaknya sebab pelajar di kolej/university hilang semangat atau motivasi? 

Ketika itu, aku tidak punya jawapan. Bukan sekadar aku tidak tahu, tetapi ianya satu persoalan yang aku tidak pernah terfikir boleh atau mungkin akan berlaku. 

Apakah jawapan yang aku lontarkan ketika itu - aku tidak pasti. Sudah kulupa. 

Tapi persoalan itu aku tidak pernah lupa. 

Lantas aku ke menara gading. 

Makanya aku sedar bahawa tidak semua subjek itu mudah; dan tentunya tidak semua subjek itu diminati. 

Aku sedar lebih lagi tentang faktor manusia sekeliling - yang menjadikan detik itu lebih senang atau lebih sesak, fikiran itu lebih kusut atau teratur, jiwa itu lebih tenang atau bergelora. 

Alangkah kecilnya duniaku sebelum ini. 

Jujurnya, aku tidak ingat sekiranya aku berfikir tentang motivasi ataupun semangat. 

Tetapi aku ingat - aku tidak lagi ingin menjadi yang 'terbaik'; aku berasa cukup sekadar menjadi yang 'baik' dan lulus setiap ujian. Aku rimas mungkin. Atau mungkin aku takut dengan tekanan sebagai yang 'terbaik'. Aku segan dan resah dengan kata-kata orang sekeliling: 'hebatnya, 'power'nya, mantapnya'. Kerana wujud perasaan dalam jiwaku dan fikiran yang mengatakan - aku masih jauh dari hebat. 'Hebat' itu terlalu menakutkan dan berat. 

Pasca-siswazah mencorakkan dimensi yang amat berbeza. Saban hari aku bertanya kepada diri: "marilah kita berhenti di saat ini; hentikan sahaja pengajian ini".

Bukan kadang-kadang. Bukan jarang-jarang. 

Jika bukan setiap hari, pastinya hampir setiap hari. 

Sering saya lontarkan kemahuan itu dalam kumpulan 'whatsapp' rakan sekelas dahulu. 

Setiap hari terasa berat dan sukar. Dan di ketika ini saya teringat akan soalan ayah dahulu: ke mana hilangnya semangat/motivasi?

Sejujurnya - hanya satu perkara yang menghalang saya daripada menghantar surat memberhentikan pengajian: malu. 

Saya malu dengan mek dan ayah saya- saya terbayang mereka akan bertanya: "kenapa? kenapa berhenti?". Dan jawapan yang saya ada hanyalah: "saya rasa saya tidak mampu lagi". Malu kerana hanya itu asbabnya. "saya rasa". 

Rasa. Rasa itu berat. Rasa itu juga yang boleh membuatkan kita rasa ringan dan mudah. Satu kata, besar maknanya. 

Kepada semua yang telah membolehkan saya melangkah dari hari ke hari sehingga saya selesai pengajian, terima kasih. 

Benar, saya menjadi diri saya sekarang berkat doa, usaha dan sokongan orang sekeliling saya. 

Kebanyakan masanya, saya masih belum percaya saya telah melalui semua itu. Seakan tidak mungkin. 

Saya masih teringat sahabat saya, Syair bertanya kepada saya seusai saya menyampaikan berita gembira bahawa saya telah lulus peperiksaan akhir: "Bila Atim nak quit?" hehe. 

Monolog ini sekadar catatan. Bahawasanya diriku satu masa dahulu ingin berputus asa. Tetapi orang sekeliling masih membantuku menggagahkan diri. 

Terlalu banyak persoalan kini mempersoal kemampuan diri. Sehinggakan terasa lumpuh keinginan dan kemampuan diri. Tetapi sampai bila? 

Tuhan, berikan aku daya dan upaya untuk terus berbakti dengan kesungguhan dan keikhlasan, berhabis baik, untuk kebaikan Bersama. 

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Lost.

 Bismillah 

It had been a very long while since I ever write anything.

I am recovering from flu, alhamdulillah 

Past week had been exhausting, but productive. Alhamdulillah 

Last weekend I went back to KL with Mek/Klong/KJah and the boys on Sunday noon (yup, planned to leave after breakfast but there were EMOT till almost 5am) 

Monday morning - I brought mek to Hospital Banting with ayah for ECHO and to arrange Holter (Thanks a lot Jason!)

On Monday night - I took bus back to TM - it wasn't the best journey ever. Had ache everywhere but now looking back, probably it was the start of my flu and I was having myalgia. 

Throughout the week, I was watching K-drama after work and sometimes till late night (I know I shouldn't sacrifice my sleep) but it was just irresistible. 

The title of the series was: Twenty Five Twenty One 

I never thought that there will be a movie/series that would make me cry more than "A walk to remember".

And yup, I never rooted for hero and heroine as much as I do for this series- and sadly they didn't end up together t.t They really brought out the best in each other. <3

Here are some of the lessons I learned from this movie: 

i-Progress is not an upgoing slope. Or the exact words were: 

ii-Skills don't improve every single day. They're like steps on stairs - there are times we go up (get better) and there are times we are stagnant. And most people will want to quit in this stagnant phase, because they think they are going nowhere. In fact, they are yet to become better. If one persevere, s/he will break through and improve. 

iii-Love should bring the best in each other. You want to see your lover grow stronger, be better and be the best version of themselves. And by seeing them grow, it makes you want to grow as well.

iv-Authenticity can be its own kind of power. As long as you put your heart into it- with passion and hard work, in the right way, nothing can stop you. 

iv-Hurtful truth hurts, even more if it is coming from the people we love, but that doesn't mean we should ignore it and push it away.  Embracing it will get us stronger, confronting it will clear the confusion or murkiness amongst us. 

v- Believe you can. That is one thing that will pull you through even when you feel that you are against all odds. 

Anyway, here are some quotes I gotten from the internet (https://korean-binge.com/2022/02/14/100-quotes-twenty-five-twenty-one-2022/)

-We do have strength inside each and every one of us. So let's allow ourselves to be as frustrated as we want. Let's be as sad as we want. And let’s get back up together.” – Na Heedo

“Don’t ever forget how you earned a new opportunity. Whenever you’re having a hard time, remind yourself how difficult it was to start.”- Coach

“The tougher things are, the busier you need to be. You need to laugh in order to forget more quickly. And you need to forget in order to survive.” – Coach Kang

“Our friendships are always excessive, we’re helpless in the face of love, and our failures are passionate. Anxiety, grief, jokes, and smiles come together to form a strange and irregular shape. Perhaps we’re currently standing at the center of our youths.” – Back Yijin

“When you try hard, it makes me want to try hard, too. When you accomplish something, it makes me want to accomplish something. You make other people do well, not just yourself.” – Back Yijin

“I’m going to give my all tomorrow. But you’re not the reason why I’m going to give my all. I’ll give it my all for myself. Because only I know how hard I’ve tried.” – Na Heedo

“It feels better when I turn my tragedy into a comedy.” – Na Heedo

“I heard that every tragedy in life is a comedy if you see it from afar.” – Back Yijin

“At times when I didn’t believe in myself, I believed in you who believed in me. That made things possible.” – Na Heedo

“I don’t understand you. I simply accept you.” – Baek Yijin

“You should also meet someone like that. Someone that inspires you to improve just by being together.” – Yijin’s mom

“What shocked me wasn’t mom’s love story, but her efforts. Her efforts that only she knew about. I saw how hard she worked rather than her glamor for the first time.” - Min Chae

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