Trust

 Sometimes

The time you dread the most is when you are alone with your thoughts 

When you remembered the people/pets that you lost 

Moments that you missed - perhaps weddings/ gatherings/ graduations 

Or just the people you missed dearly but couldn’t have 

Or they are just far far away that even phone calls/ video calls make you miss them more 

It is sad

And exhausting 

To tell yourself 

That the hurt shall pass

The longing will be paid off when you finally get to meet then 

Or the longing will be rewarded abundantly if you persevere through with beautiful patience

 Because husnuzon ain’t easy

And to trust Allah, and believe that His plan is the best - especially when you don’t understand what’s going on, is really really hard

Allah, grant me absolute trust in You

Unshakable faith in You

And only You Alone

P/s: don’t worry about the screenshot I uploaded. That was a joke, and I am glad the joke was taken in a humorous way (although darkly). Miahahaha. My boss is just that special. #ganjarkannyataufiqdanhidayah

Read More

Insensitive

27012026

I lost Kacak.

Throughout my career, breaking bad news has been an art. A skill you hone—delivering devastating words while maintaining composure, preserving empathy even as you do it again and again. Often, it never feels easier. You simply tell yourself it must be done, so you do it, and you get through it.

It is hardest when you thought you could have saved them. When the loss is followed by a chorus of haunting, evil ifs. Those few patients you carry with you throughout your career. Some, you remember their final moment. Some, the last words you shared. Some, the ashen look on a loved one's face as your words found their mark.

Some days, you had to confirm death.

I remember the routine: the checks, the documentation, informing the nurse-in-charge so the last offices could begin.

In those moments, I never felt fear. Perhaps sadness, or sorrow. But never fear. Never apprehension.

Yesterday, it was different.

I saw Kacak lying on the porch and thought he was sleeping—he loved sleeping in the sun.

He looked as if he were resting. I stood there, enjoying the sight of him... until I noticed he might not be breathing. As I walked towards him, seeing no movement of his breath (a truth already obvious, of course), I kept telling myself I was wrong.

Even standing beside him, I hesitated to touch him. I was terrified of confirming the loss. I did not want to feel that he was still, that he was motionless. I was still hoping he would wake up and come to me.

Reflecting on this moment, I realized how much I had insulated myself all this time.

Read More

Scariest moment

 

I have been emotional recently.

 

And often when I am feeling low, I will remind myself of my lowest moment and thought 'I had been through that, so I will go through this too'.

Last night, I was reminded of my scariest moment. Not sure why but I kind of replayed the event one by one, still very clearly in my mind.

Why was it my scariest moment? Because I thought I might lose my mom, from a complication which arose from my own ignorance (or lack of attention - however you want to name it).

 

I still remember - it was on a weekend and I was oncall (ED call). I was resuscitating an UGIB patient in red zone when a call from my brother came in. He said: "Mek's BP was initially unrecordable, only on the third time I could get a reading and the HR was 130+".At that time, I felt my world stopped.

What an irony.

I was resuscitating patient at work and my most beloved person was collapsing at home? All I could muster was - bring her to ED (the nearest hospital to my home was not the hospital I was working at). I really feel like going home there and then, and yet I was still resuscitating my patient. Me being an overthinker thought: it was on a weekend - who would want to replace my call? Regardless, I sent a text in our group asking for kind souls to replace my call - and within minutes the MO captain called me and told me to attend to my mom, the other two colleagues could cover for my absence for the rest of the day (wherever both of you are - I wish you well and ease in your affairs). And as soon as my patient was stabilised, my colleagues took over from me.

 

So I went to the hospital my mom was at - and with the BP just now, it just made perfect sense for her to be in RZ right?I asked for permission to go in - and I saw her lying on the bed looking very lethargic but still putting up the sweetest smile for me, just like every strong mom would do.

Then I asked about her blood results; urea almost 30, creat 700++, K 7.6, ph 7.0 with single digit HCO3 (the numbers were so gory I could never forget them).

I saw there was inotrope running, looked at her empty urinary bag, and I suppose my face then was already asking the question because the moment I looked at the ED registrar- she told me: "3L went in, BP still not picking up, nil urine, we got to start her on norad". I did not have any further questions, and I knew my questions would not be helping them either so I took my leave. Before leaving, I kissed her forehead to excuse myself, and whilst doing that I tried smiling at my mom, but probably she could see the despair through it anyway- all moms have this superpower of reading you like a book.

The moment I went to the waiting area, I looked at my dad and my siblings - and I was very grateful my brother already briefed them on my mom's situation, I just couldn't muster any words. 

 

Alhamdulillah my mom survived the ordeal - thanks to the great effort by ED, ICU and surgical team of Hospital Selayang (2019). I couldn't imagine if otherwise had happened.

 

Boss (or a friend- as he claimed) always said: "God is kind" (although for a different context); but as I rerun these memories yesterday, I remembered his words.

Truly, God is kind. I would've lost myself if my mom didn't make it. Even with her surviving the event, it took me a long while to recollect myself and overcome the self-blame - how could a mother to a surgical trainee had multiorgan failure/ hypovolemic shock from high ileostomy output? Pathetic right?  

Even until now, the thought of losing my parent scares the hell out of me, and yup, I am clinging to every bit of hope that I will always have another day/ weekend to see them. And have I told you yet - that if I were to make them smile, I would be the proudest person on earth for being the reason behind their smiles. 

Mek and Ayah, I lnmusm (love and miss you so much). May Allah protect you both always and envelop you with love and joy. 

 

 

 

And here I am feeling scared and anxious of what comes ahead - is there any major decision need to be made soon? 

Read More

Satu masa dahulu. Dan kini.

 Itqan. 

Bersungguh-sungguh dalam setiap perkara. 

Dahulu, guruku berpesan: semangat pasti akan ada bila adanya cinta dalam melakukan sesuatu (Cikgu Sharifah - sayang cikgu, sebab bagi saya tidur bila perlu :P)

Semasa di bangku persekolahan - tidak pernah timbul soal semangat. Pernah ada rasa culas, tapi sementara. Tidak sampai berlarutan. 

Tidak pernah timbul soalan - mampukah aku? Mungkin aku semborono. Mungkin aku tidak berfikir panjang. Seolah-olahnya: 'persetankan semua yang boleh terjadi, biar apa pun ia. Asalkan aku berikan yang terbaik'. 

Pernah dalam perjalanan (tidak ingat dari mana dan ke mana) - ayah bertanya: Mah rasa, apa agaknya sebab pelajar di kolej/university hilang semangat atau motivasi? 

Ketika itu, aku tidak punya jawapan. Bukan sekadar aku tidak tahu, tetapi ianya satu persoalan yang aku tidak pernah terfikir boleh atau mungkin akan berlaku. 

Apakah jawapan yang aku lontarkan ketika itu - aku tidak pasti. Sudah kulupa. 

Tapi persoalan itu aku tidak pernah lupa. 

Lantas aku ke menara gading. 

Makanya aku sedar bahawa tidak semua subjek itu mudah; dan tentunya tidak semua subjek itu diminati. 

Aku sedar lebih lagi tentang faktor manusia sekeliling - yang menjadikan detik itu lebih senang atau lebih sesak, fikiran itu lebih kusut atau teratur, jiwa itu lebih tenang atau bergelora. 

Alangkah kecilnya duniaku sebelum ini. 

Jujurnya, aku tidak ingat sekiranya aku berfikir tentang motivasi ataupun semangat. 

Tetapi aku ingat - aku tidak lagi ingin menjadi yang 'terbaik'; aku berasa cukup sekadar menjadi yang 'baik' dan lulus setiap ujian. Aku rimas mungkin. Atau mungkin aku takut dengan tekanan sebagai yang 'terbaik'. Aku segan dan resah dengan kata-kata orang sekeliling: 'hebatnya, 'power'nya, mantapnya'. Kerana wujud perasaan dalam jiwaku dan fikiran yang mengatakan - aku masih jauh dari hebat. 'Hebat' itu terlalu menakutkan dan berat. 

Pasca-siswazah mencorakkan dimensi yang amat berbeza. Saban hari aku bertanya kepada diri: "marilah kita berhenti di saat ini; hentikan sahaja pengajian ini".

Bukan kadang-kadang. Bukan jarang-jarang. 

Jika bukan setiap hari, pastinya hampir setiap hari. 

Sering saya lontarkan kemahuan itu dalam kumpulan 'whatsapp' rakan sekelas dahulu. 

Setiap hari terasa berat dan sukar. Dan di ketika ini saya teringat akan soalan ayah dahulu: ke mana hilangnya semangat/motivasi?

Sejujurnya - hanya satu perkara yang menghalang saya daripada menghantar surat memberhentikan pengajian: malu. 

Saya malu dengan mek dan ayah saya- saya terbayang mereka akan bertanya: "kenapa? kenapa berhenti?". Dan jawapan yang saya ada hanyalah: "saya rasa saya tidak mampu lagi". Malu kerana hanya itu asbabnya. "saya rasa". 

Rasa. Rasa itu berat. Rasa itu juga yang boleh membuatkan kita rasa ringan dan mudah. Satu kata, besar maknanya. 

Kepada semua yang telah membolehkan saya melangkah dari hari ke hari sehingga saya selesai pengajian, terima kasih. 

Benar, saya menjadi diri saya sekarang berkat doa, usaha dan sokongan orang sekeliling saya. 

Kebanyakan masanya, saya masih belum percaya saya telah melalui semua itu. Seakan tidak mungkin. 

Saya masih teringat sahabat saya, Syair bertanya kepada saya seusai saya menyampaikan berita gembira bahawa saya telah lulus peperiksaan akhir: "Bila Atim nak quit?" hehe. 

Monolog ini sekadar catatan. Bahawasanya diriku satu masa dahulu ingin berputus asa. Tetapi orang sekeliling masih membantuku menggagahkan diri. 

Terlalu banyak persoalan kini mempersoal kemampuan diri. Sehinggakan terasa lumpuh keinginan dan kemampuan diri. Tetapi sampai bila? 

Tuhan, berikan aku daya dan upaya untuk terus berbakti dengan kesungguhan dan keikhlasan, berhabis baik, untuk kebaikan Bersama. 

Read More

Lost.

 Bismillah 

It had been a very long while since I ever write anything.

I am recovering from flu, alhamdulillah 

Past week had been exhausting, but productive. Alhamdulillah 

Last weekend I went back to KL with Mek/Klong/KJah and the boys on Sunday noon (yup, planned to leave after breakfast but there were EMOT till almost 5am) 

Monday morning - I brought mek to Hospital Banting with ayah for ECHO and to arrange Holter (Thanks a lot Jason!)

On Monday night - I took bus back to TM - it wasn't the best journey ever. Had ache everywhere but now looking back, probably it was the start of my flu and I was having myalgia. 

Throughout the week, I was watching K-drama after work and sometimes till late night (I know I shouldn't sacrifice my sleep) but it was just irresistible. 

The title of the series was: Twenty Five Twenty One 

I never thought that there will be a movie/series that would make me cry more than "A walk to remember".

And yup, I never rooted for hero and heroine as much as I do for this series- and sadly they didn't end up together t.t They really brought out the best in each other. <3

Here are some of the lessons I learned from this movie: 

i-Progress is not an upgoing slope. Or the exact words were: 

ii-Skills don't improve every single day. They're like steps on stairs - there are times we go up (get better) and there are times we are stagnant. And most people will want to quit in this stagnant phase, because they think they are going nowhere. In fact, they are yet to become better. If one persevere, s/he will break through and improve. 

iii-Love should bring the best in each other. You want to see your lover grow stronger, be better and be the best version of themselves. And by seeing them grow, it makes you want to grow as well.

iv-Authenticity can be its own kind of power. As long as you put your heart into it- with passion and hard work, in the right way, nothing can stop you. 

iv-Hurtful truth hurts, even more if it is coming from the people we love, but that doesn't mean we should ignore it and push it away.  Embracing it will get us stronger, confronting it will clear the confusion or murkiness amongst us. 

v- Believe you can. That is one thing that will pull you through even when you feel that you are against all odds. 

Anyway, here are some quotes I gotten from the internet (https://korean-binge.com/2022/02/14/100-quotes-twenty-five-twenty-one-2022/)

-We do have strength inside each and every one of us. So let's allow ourselves to be as frustrated as we want. Let's be as sad as we want. And let’s get back up together.” – Na Heedo

“Don’t ever forget how you earned a new opportunity. Whenever you’re having a hard time, remind yourself how difficult it was to start.”- Coach

“The tougher things are, the busier you need to be. You need to laugh in order to forget more quickly. And you need to forget in order to survive.” – Coach Kang

“Our friendships are always excessive, we’re helpless in the face of love, and our failures are passionate. Anxiety, grief, jokes, and smiles come together to form a strange and irregular shape. Perhaps we’re currently standing at the center of our youths.” – Back Yijin

“When you try hard, it makes me want to try hard, too. When you accomplish something, it makes me want to accomplish something. You make other people do well, not just yourself.” – Back Yijin

“I’m going to give my all tomorrow. But you’re not the reason why I’m going to give my all. I’ll give it my all for myself. Because only I know how hard I’ve tried.” – Na Heedo

“It feels better when I turn my tragedy into a comedy.” – Na Heedo

“I heard that every tragedy in life is a comedy if you see it from afar.” – Back Yijin

“At times when I didn’t believe in myself, I believed in you who believed in me. That made things possible.” – Na Heedo

“I don’t understand you. I simply accept you.” – Baek Yijin

“You should also meet someone like that. Someone that inspires you to improve just by being together.” – Yijin’s mom

“What shocked me wasn’t mom’s love story, but her efforts. Her efforts that only she knew about. I saw how hard she worked rather than her glamor for the first time.” - Min Chae

Read More

of relapses and remissions

 I was just telling myself : Life always has its way to tease you at your sore spot. 

and to add to that: and it often happens when you just about to feel things are going right. 

I guess it is The Almighty's way to remind you that your life is only for Him. 

and your ultimate aim is the Hereafter - which will last for eternity. 

Just like relapses and remissions. 

Ups and downs in life. 

There are times you were defeated - by circumstances, by fate, by diseases. Just like when someone has relapses. I am sure no one wants any calamity to befall them. 

And then we get better. We get stronger. We become wiser. Things are better. 

For a while. 

Then there will be challenges again. And perhaps I realised this too late - that this cycle will never end. 

"This too shall pass". 

Either by good moments followed by terrible ones, or vice versa. 

Often I felt defeated - totally. And I feel like giving up. But then I realised I have no way to go - except giving my best. That I can only do my best not to let life beats me down. Until I have my last breath. 

Life is hard. So be it. 

Life is unfair. Since when this world is just? 

Life is tiring. Don't we age by living? 

But life is also full of vigour. 

Life is also beautiful. 

Life also throws things that make you smile. 

So let's be grateful over those :) 

After all, we all were looking for that beautiful ending. 

So may all of us are granted with beautiful patience. 

Assassination classroom; Koro-sensei

Read More

Proud

 Many people told me that they are proud of my achievements, especially over my recent success on passing my defense. Of course, there are still many more hurdles in future, but at least I am one step closer now.

But what I don't understand is that I don't feel proud at all. Relieved, definitely. It had been a long struggle since I started, so yes, definitely relieved. Should I be proud of myself? 

Honestly, I am lost. 

Read More

crying out loud

I felt awful yesterday and last night.

coz I felt dreadful over comments by Prof after we had mock presentation in the morning. 

and I didn't get the chance to present to my own supervisors before - not sure why, but I kind of disappointed over this. 

I felt hopeless and deflated, thinking that I will surely fail.

I cried many times throughout the day after coming back home. And definitely while driving home. 

At 12 midnight, I felt it was the worst birthday ever. 

but then... I forgot to look at the good things. 

Prof allowed me to perform a Sistrunk procedure - of course partly ('mainly') done by him. 

I had criticism during a mock presentation - which means I still have time to do correction and prepare before the real defense. 

I did not get to present to my supervisors- but hey, I did get to present to one of the senior panelists, and also my previous supervisors (Prof Emeritus tau! hehe)

Why would I allow myself to feel terrible over what had happened? Why didn't I enjoy the present moment- Mek Ayah, my ohana and all the lovely people around me (and from far who have always been in my heart) :) and the day couldn't be better. Alhamdulillah ❤️

and my beloved boss ;) ;) said: "Ya.. one exam wont define you.. its what you do here onwards to your patients that defines you.."... too bad that he had to endure so much complaining beforehand. Sorry boss 😘

and I am grateful for this fb post that came across my wall, it really knocked me on the head so I could enjoy the moment. 

here was the quote: 

Complaining drains the good energy of the complainer and listener. Focus and take action on what we can control instead. And be grateful for the blessings that we have. The rest will take care itself. 

-Richard Ker

So, let us not worry over the past and embrace each moment and do our best! Jia you 💪🏼

Read More

32 years old...

 and never knew how much more time I have left... 

Alhamdulillah.

10 years ago  - 2013. I think (as far as I could remember) I was still eager to be a surgeon. Living my days as medical student - learning, practicing, managing stress, making friends, meeting new people, whilst trying to pass my medical school so I could become a doctor. Why? Because I wanted to be a surgeon. 

and fast forward 10 years, I am on my way to become one - yet to defend my thesis this coming Monday (July 10th) and insyaAllah if I passed, final exam in October and November. 

p/s: these past four years - there were so many moments I wanted to quit (perhaps still do). I am not sure myself what made me stay :P

15 years ago - 2008. I completed my SPM - offered scholarship to study medicine oversea (but wasn't the region that I wanted so I turned it down and made an appeal). Enrolled in matriculation. Lived my introvert life. Close circle of friends - roommates, tutormates (chief, Farah, Shikin, Aisyah, Nash, and many more) esp Farah who tirelessly woke me up every time I dozed off during lectures. Received a call regarding my appeal - I was offered another scholarship at selected region, but this time the course offered was: Nuclear Physics. In that short instance, I didn't know what I was thinking or what led me to the decision- but I remembered asking if they offered medical course which obviously they didn't and then I said: "I am sorry I have to turn down the offer, but I wanted to do medicine". Well, that decision led me to where I am now. And definitely met many beautiful souls along the way 🥰

Given the chance to turn back time- Would I choose the same? 

Probably not. Miahahahaha. Once I told my boss - the price is too much to pay. 

That doesn't matter because we are where we are now. So, let's live the moment <3 

So, today I want to wish good things for myself and for many others who have been kind or is kind to me or reminds me of kindness🤲🏽

Happy happy happy prosperous day and have a great a life ahead 💐🎉🎊

And may Allah bless us and safeguard us in this world and hereafter. 

Read More

Reflection

 A few weeks had passed. 

I had a good start to the year. Little did I know that ugly, terrible things were to follow. Don't judge me. I am writing this out as an effort to let go and move on. 

A tragedy happened that shook me to the core. Something that made me question myself, lose trust in others and more importantly, something that I am trying to stop doing - blame myself. It had been about a month. It is over, yes. But the repercussions remain. LOL. And it will for about ten years or so. 

I still question myself why I did what I did. Because retrospectively, it was unbelievably foolish. And the more I think about it, the harder it is for me to forgive myself. 

The wise sorcerer told me to reflect on this matter - and learn from it, and know more about myself. Surely, there is a lesson behind it. And like any other life lessons, until it was learned, it shall happen again - perhaps in different ways, who knows? 

That was the hardest part of it - reflect on it and learn from the lesson. Because it hurts. I had been trying to forget it, numbed myself to it, as a way for me to be able to carry out my daily life, work on what I need to do. And enjoy what people call the present moment. I am yet to succeed so far. But hey, that doesn't mean I should stop right? 

Hope things will get better for all of us :) 

Love you, let's not make life difficulties stop us from being kind. 

Read More

2023

 2023

Alhamdulillah it is a new year.

I started the year with not many resolutions in my mind. 

There were very few in fact.

-Getting my thesis done.

-Passing my masters- and everything that comes with it.

-And at some corner of my heart- finding a partner🙈 (but of course, I never said this out loud). 

My boss called me and asked - what’s your resolution for this year Fatimah?

Then I said nothing much, I just wanna pass my masters.

Hmmmm, that’s nothing wrong with that. But you should add memorising one surah per month. Even the short ones.

That felt like a slap on my face.

Because I really didn’t make any resolution pertaining to my spiritual health.

But I am glad my boss reminded me about that.

Honestly, I had not been working on that (this is a reminder for you to start working, self!)

The first week of the year was stressful - I had to defend my thesis project (not the final viva, but this evaluation would decide whether or not I could proceed with the project). 
There were multiple meetings with my supervisors - a lot of amendments and corrections each time. The final one just few days before the presentation - I guessed my Prof could see the frustration on my face. She told me: "Fatimah, I'd rather drill you now and get you prepared before you got drilled by the panel and affect the outcome of your assessment". Her statement was an eye-opener. As much as I was tired by the 'never-ending' corrections - they were actually for my betterment. 

But I think the best part of preparing for that evaluation - the fact that I found someone to be my confidant all along. Someone who is not really funny, but definitely sweet and pleasant and had been a great listener. I'll definitely pray for our future together. InsyaAllah. And he made me feel like the last resolution is doable this year 🙈.  Please pray for us - in this dunya and akhirah. 

May this year and the coming years are filled with lots of love, deeds and patience for all of us. May Allah guide us to His blessings, love and forgiveness. May Allah grant us the best of rizq which are full of barakah to all us, which will bring us closer to Allah and becomes a means for us to Jannah. <3

Read More

Setbacks

 

There will be times in our life that things just go smoothly. As we had wished and planned. 

What we need comes at the right time, the right people lent their hand at the perfect moment. 

Things just go as it was 'meant to be' (by our definition). 

But that weren't all. Life wouldn't be fun if all there is right? 

There are times that things get hard. 

What you hoped for didn't materialize. 

The 'one thing' you need to make it happen just didn't appear making all of it futile. Or so you think. 

I thought my progress had been ok. 

Maybe not excellent. But ok. Acceptable. 

But that was what I thought. 

The higher-ups didn't think so. I am not up to par. Lacking confidence. 

What went wrong, self? 

Where was your enthusiasm? 

Where your curiosity went? 

Maybe your perseverance weren't enough? Or is it working against your favour now? 

Maybe kindness is placed where it shouldn't be. 

I am not sure what went wrong. 

I just know I need to stop being hurtful to myself. 

Dear self, this too shall pass. 

And you shall go through it well, ok? Coz I love you <3

#29012023

#loveyou

#agiidupagingelaban

Read More

Thoughts in boxes

Have you ever see your mind as a library or store room of many (endless) stuff? Because I do. There are compartments for knowledge, memories, people, favourites, dislikes, etc. And of course, there are overlaps between each other (I mean, that's just how messy I am). And there are some thoughts that have been shut nicely in their own box, kept away, undisturbed. But there are some that are being reopened so many times that I lost count (yes, I am an overthinker - in case you are wondering). And mind you, these are the kind of thoughts that best kept shut - because they hurt. 

And I thought I had long forgiven myself (read: self-healing) and moved on. But I proved myself wrong. Every time I am facing a difficulty, these thoughts resurfaced and nudged my sanity over and over again. So I wondered, have I ever healed to begin with? 

Why is there so much of resentment and guilt around all these? 

What's the line between perseverance and self-love? 

How do I keep my sanity and keep on pushing through with a smile on my face? 

How do I keep being kind when all I want to do is break down and just cry? 

How do I continue giving when I am just filled with void? 

Can someone help me? 

24042022

0824H

Read More

Past, present and future. Past. Eh?

I have heard countless times not to live in the past and not to worry about the future. Instead, live in the present. For past will never come back and the future is not promised. 

Letting go is an art. Is a capability. Probably behind it all, there is science yet to be explained. 

However, knowing myself, the emotional me, I hold tight onto the past for I fear repeating the same mistakes. I fear I will have to endure the same torture I put myself through - if I were to forget and not learn the mistakes. But I am trying to let go and still learning to do so. Please bear with me. 

And I made it a point to write today, as a reminder to myself of the above. That I am holding onto the past so that I would learn from it and not to sulk and living in regret nor blaming myself for it. 

Exactly two years ago, I was on a plane to Penang to sit for MRCS Part B - which I barely passed, but alhamdulillah I did. On the 17th was the exam and my flight back to KL, the next day was my oncall and the day after was my first unsupervised small bowel resection with primary anastomosis (may I experience the excitement for such achievement again). But the very same day I had the excitement, I had an ominous feeling - as to why my mom had not been purging after taking almost two litres of Fortrans. And my fear was proven to be true the very next day from the endoscopy examination - synchronous colonic tumours, of which one was endoscopically obstructed. There were so many questions in my mind, mostly about mek's safety and probable outcome, but there was one that rings often and it was the LOUDEST: "why didn't I detect it sooner?"

I knew it sounded stupid. But that was what had happened and I had learned to move on from that. And from many more things that happened afterwards. 

*jangan marah* 

I used to sing myself John Elton's song (Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word) : "so sad, so sad, it's a sad, sad situation. And it's getting more and more absurd". 
At least to me, at that point of time, it was. 

I just wrote this down to tell myself, that it is ok to had felt that way. That allowed me to learn to embrace my feelings and moved on. Whatever had happened made me who I am now. 

Of course, with all the support and help from my ohana and lovely people around me (close and faraway, you know who you are).

. 
Thank you very much :) 

- Charlie Mackesy-

Read More

Dilemma

There is this one urge that had been bothering me lately. 

The urge to quit. 

To quit this path that doesn't feel right with me. 

Perhaps I belong elsewhere. 

I told someone, then she told me: "muslims don't quit". 

True. But I ain't quitting life right? 

I told another person, then he said: 

"A path won't always be easy. There will be time when it's gonna be difficult and you have to struggle. I am not sure which one of it. Whether you are experiencing obstacles on your path, and it is your path, the path that you have to go and continue because you will feel happy afterwards in the future when you have overcome the obstacles and have continued.

Or whether you are on the wrong path, and in that case, it might be better to search another path. 

But of course, it is a decision that you cannot take very lightly because when you quit, it is difficult to go back again. So you must be very sure of it."

What is it self? 

What is it that you want? 

What is it that you yearn for? 

Torn apart between perseverance and making the right decision at the right time i.e. opting for other option. 

Charlie Mackesy

Read More

That unrelenting guilt.

Bismillah. 

The past month had been about me struggling to fight my inner demons. 

My inner thoughts. 

The constant thought chatter, that's what my therapist called it. 

I called it spiraling into overthinking. 

Overthinking ain't the same as critical thinking. 

Critical thinking provides you a wider point of view and options. 

On the other hand, overthinking leads to you into a blackhole, constant thoughts over things out of your control - be it something in the past, or something yet to happen in the future that results in unnecessary worry. 

I am not sure how many of you suffered from this but it ain't something fun. 

It is very dreadful. 

Thinking about the past leads me to self-blame and guilt - and that drives me to depression. 

Thinking about the uncertain future leads me to never ending anxiety - also disturbs my peace of mind, and sometimes, even my sleep (those who are close to me knows how precious my sleep is). 

And I am writing it down here. 

So as to embrace it and fight it with all my might. 

So I acknowledge it and find ways to outdo it and prevent it from happening again. 

So at the end of the day, I have better mental health. 

And why does the title unrelenting guilt?

Because that's what started all of these. 

I had this guilt of blaming myself for: 

-not diagnosing my parents illnesses earlier. This thing is scarily haunting me over and over again for the past couple of years. 

-not arranging the surgery for my beloved earlier - I told myself I had many opportunities to do so, just that I had not been persistent enough to pursue it. Hence, the guilt kept creeping back.  

-and because of the above reasons, the treatment of his condition is now has to be put on hold until a certain criterion is met, which means the disease might progress in the meantime (and this is the uncertainty of the future that brings anxiety). And yup, so it goes back to no. 1 and becomes a vicious cycle. 

My mind went crazy. At one moment the guilt and self-blame overwhelms me. And the other moment is the sane me telling me to stop blaming myself and do what I can at the present moment. 

It's like having a civil war inside your mind. 
Funny but not funny. Miahahaha. 

Anyway, I am happy that I vent this out to my therapist. I was reminded of the following (which helped me to put things in context better): 

-I can imagine that it left you frustrated, your only mistake is blaming yourself. Of course you are very concerned about your parent, but, like I said before, you are only human. There are (a lot of) things outside your control. It can be useful to look back to your personal choices and behaviour from time to time and learn from mistakes but it is something else to get frustrated out of unreasonable self-blame.

-You didn't make a mistake in this situation. And when you do make a mistake, thinking in an "if only" kind of way isn't helpful. People make mistakes. All people. A lot of mistakes. Everyday. It is part of being human. In hindsight things look different. I will say again that in my eyes you didn't make a mistake in this situation. But you will make mistakes in the future. You are only human.

-The problem is in the self-blame, the overthinking, the lack of acceptance that (a lot of) things are outside your control, also very important things that mean everything to you, like your parents' health and well-being.

-I think if there is anything that you can learn here and address, it is that looking back and blaming yourself in hindsight, even for things that you cannot reasonably be blamed for, doesn't help and even makes things worse. It undermines your self confidence and happiness and general wellbeing and that might even lead to mistakes instead of preventing them, thus causing exactly what you so desperately try to avoid.

ig @bigpandaandtinydragon

Dear self, please be more forgiving to yourself, for you too deserve love and forgiveness <3 

Learn to love oneself and that will allow your love for others to bloom. 

And, live up to the power of now. Like Mek always said: "treat each day as a gift". 

I believe that you will continue to improve yourself. And that there are so many people around you that will help you to do better :) Because they all love you for who you are <3

Read More

an indescribable outcry

I have been so overwhelmed lately. 

By a certain emotion consecutively. 

Stressed, helpless and sad/upset. 

Entering a new rotation requires me to make friends with new people, adapting to new system and environment, and most tiring of all - putting up a wall of protection and breaking the communication shell at the same time. And that's definitely how I felt in the beginning - stressed in an unfamiliar environment without anyone I am familiar with (I am grateful that in the previous posting, I had my ex-schoolmates around to guide me in the rotation and at the same time easing my anxiety. Not to mention the traffic I had to go through (yup, my emotions are super labile when it comes to bad traffic. Patience, dear. Patience.)). 

After a couple of weeks - I made awesome friends - with GS flers (of course, it's fellas) whom brought me to eat nice foods, listened to me ranting and made jokes all the time to cheer up my day. Getting to see them at work is definitely one of the things I look forward to. 

Just when I thought I got it under control - the biggest bulldozer came: thesis. I refuse to elaborate, it's just that depressing :P That was the moment in which I felt helpless but I am glad for all the help that I received, including an awesome mate that helped me to write up a hype man speech (for my supervisor). You did it, man! This really worth a mention. Hehe. TQSM. 

And a couple of weeks ago I received an unpleasant news about a very beloved person to me. His biochemical markers did not respond (as expected) to the neoadjuvant treatment he is receiving. The initial couple of weeks I managed to talk to myself and give it the benefit of doubt - probably he is among the lesser percentage that has delayed response to the treatment, rather than not responding well. You know, that kind of pep talk. But then, I was informed that another treatment he is supposed to have after Raya has to be put on halt because of his certain other condition that needs to be addressed first. And this time, I couldn't stop blaming myself for not addressing it earlier (it did come across my mind, but I did not pursue it following a certain reassurance from the team, though my gut feeling told me otherwise). So at the present moment, there's this lingering thought that's telling me: "you know, if you had listened to your gut feelings and done that earlier - and you had ample opportunities and plenty of time to do so, his treatment could have proceeded in timely manner and hence, provides better outcome". As these words continue to hurt and kill whatever left of my sanity and self-worth, I found it hard to denounce it, because they were just so true. The only thing that I can do at the moment is to distract myself from such thoughts and try to focus on what I can do at the present moment. And like always, clinging on whatever hope that is left. 

Just feel like writing this down, with the hope that it will help me to feel and think better :)

Or perhaps I just want to come to acceptance. Someone shared this with me: 

"…Since I became a parent I realised having kids means letting go, dealing with your own fears, and more and more I realised that this principle not only applies to being parent but also to being a human in general. Realising this with regard to ageing parents, or better yet than merely realising it, making peace with it as much as you possibly can, opens up a road to acceptance and makes it possible to count your blessings and enjoy the time that you have left with them more and on a deeper level. It also prepares you, often without fully realising it, for your own time of old age that will (hopefully) come, and you start to understand better what ageing really means and that it is not an easy process that is waiting for you in the distance. Realising this earlier in your life can make you appreciate your life today even more. " -Wise Sorcerer-

O Allah, please grant me the beautiful patience that brings us all closer to you.

بَلْ سَوَّلَتْ لَكُمْ أَنفُسُكُمْ أَمْرًا فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ عَسَى اللّهُ أَن يَأْتِيَنِيبِهِمْ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْعَلِيمُ الْحَكِيمُ

“Nay, but your own selves have beguiled you into something. So patience is most fitting (for me). Maybe Allah will bring them (back) all to me. Truly He! only He is All-Knowing, All-Wise.”

Surah Yusuf 12: 83

Alhamdulillah for all the people around me who had been providing me with so much patience, kindness and comfort. I can't thank you enough.  

Read More

a year remembered by many, if not most

 as I listen to the song bad liar

it somehow reminds me of the year 2020

I am not sure in what way 

but in the fact that 2020 was full of wishes and expectations 

but yet it's breaking at it seams

we are trying so hard 

sometimes we forgot to let it be

let it goes along with the flow 

and for us to take a breath in between. 

from my fave cafe (this was in 2019 though). those who had been my victims to accompany me for coffee or past year session would know which cafe ;)

self, I wish you a better year. 

in whatever terms, better. 

one need not perfection. 

progress is all we need. 

like my boss fave quote: "perfection is the enemy of good".

at the end of the day, we all shall return to Him. 

Read More

Self-talk

You know self

I think it's time for you to stop playing around and giving yourself excuses.

Take responsibility and keep your focus. Face the reality.

No matter how long you try to run away from it, the reality doesn't change.

You had taken your time to recompose yourself and regain your strength.

You might not be the best of yourself yet, but you cannot let yourself slip any further.

I know it's tiring to persevere through, to keep pushing on, and to give your very best despite of all the odds you are facing.

But it's even more tiring for me to watch you suffer in your inability to decide on which one deserves your attention and energy, and as a result of that, the ending is just gonna hurt you even more.

And whatever it is that hurts you, hurts me too.

So self, let's do this together k?

Let's give our very best and keep on believing in each other, as our strength always lies deep within. Biiznillah.

Read More

Sahabat yang sentiasa bersama

Sahabat itu cerminan diri.

Sahabat itu yang mengingatkan  pabila diri alpa.

Sahabat juga yang mengejutkan pabila diri terlena.

Sahabat juga yang memimpin kembali diri ini tatkala hanyut entah ke mana.

Saya punya seorang sahabat yang terlebih dahulu meninggalkan kami.

Manis orangnya.

Rajin serta konsisten.

Pernah sekali beliau menangis tidak dapat menyelesaikan soalan matematik.
Pernah beliau menangis kerna rindu akan kedua ibu bapa yang kejauhan.

Impian beliau menjadi juruterbang, namun terpaksa dilupakan kerana rabun jauh.

Kemudian beliau nekad untuk menjadi pakar perubatan forensik, tempias pengaruh drama CSI.

Tiga sahabat kemudiannya berjanji  - berusaha sehabis mungkin untuk mencapai cita-cita: beliau untuk menjadi pakar perubatan forensik; sahabat kedua ingin menjadi usahawan wanita berjaya dan saya dengan hasrat untuk menjadi pakar bedah.

Kesungguhan beliau jelas dalam usahanya saban hari.

Dalam mengejar dunia, tidak pernah akhirat terabai.

Kewajipan seharian ditunaikan, dihiasi dengan amalan sunat.

Setelah peperiksaan PMR, masing-masing membawa haluan diri, berpindah ke sekolah pilihan masing-masing.

Tidak sampai dua tahun kemudian, berita pemergiannya mengejutkan dan menghibakan.

Air mata dan doa mengiringi pemergiannya.

Biar jasad tidak lagi bersama, semangat dan tekad beliau yang tidak pernah luntur menghidupkan diri ini.

Agar diri sentiasa ingat akan seutas janji itu.

Terus berusaha untuk mencapai cita-cita.

Terima kasih sahabat, kerana terus bersama dalam perjuangan ini.

Andainya kau tahu, tidak terkira akan berapa kali diri ini putus asa dan culas.

Namun, kesungguhanmu sahabat, dan perjanjian kita terus membakar api perjuanganku, biarpun ada masanya malap, namun tidak pernah padam.

Moga kau berbahagia di sana.

Moga kita bertemu lagi di syurga-Nya.

Sungguh, ku rindu.

Read More