the secret to keep going on

بسم الله الرحن الرحيم

Alhamdulillah, now I had gone through three months of my housemanship. It wasn't easy and full of dry tears :) Many at times, I had to drag myself going to work, not to abandon my responsibility, to carry out my duty. In a way, you would picture it as something I do because it is obligatory. I wouldn't deny that to an extent. Each day that passes highlighted my shortcomings, be it in knowledge, skill or ability. And for every highlight, it can be very demotivating, devastating, draining every strength and emotion I had left at that moment. Yet, like someone told me, there is always room for improvement, that is why no one is perfect. Some people are so strong, able to go on very positively, looking forward to each day. Unlike me, waiting for the day to pass, dreading for tomorrow. I am that weak and fragile. That's why I sought for strength from Him and through the people He sent around me :)

There were many times when nurses shouted at you; well, you are such a junior stupid doctor anyway. Many more times when you were blamed for others' faults and yet nothing you can say since you are meant to be the punching bag after all. But there are precious few times that gives encouragement that lasts. No matter how simple it is. A patient's smile. A simple 'good job' by your boss. When your boss entrusted you with a task, knowing that you can do it. When a patient personally requested for you to prick him/her. When a patient prayed for you. When you exchange glances and smiles with your equally exhausted colleagues. A simple text from you old friend. A mere smiley through whatsapp. And many more bigger things. The most special of all - my ohana =). Thank you Allah for everything. Thank you sooo much. Thank you for giving me the strength to keep going on ^.^

p/s: life is not meant to be the way we want it, but we are meant to live the best that we can!

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I don't deserve this

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

How shall I start this?

It is very difficult for me to write this out for a few reasons:

i) from some perspectives, it is going to be negative
ii) it is to admit one's shortcomings, negative thoughts and feelings
iii) this could be a side of me people had never seen. 

Nevertheless, I wrote this as a reminder for myself and for those who want to make it to.

For many years, I had been wanting to become a doctor.  A surgeon to be specific. There were times I had gone even more specific (before I got into my clinical years). Neurosurgery. Paeds surgery. I put off the idea for a number of times too. 

For many years too, I had been wondering whether I really want to be a doctor. As each day passes, I need to look for a source of motivation to keep me going. Anything. Be it my parents' voice. Their love and hope. Their advices. My ohana in general. My lecturers. Seeing them. Listening to them. Scolded by them. Encouraged by them. My purpose of living. My ultimatum. A patient. Many patients. Patient's family. An oath. A promise. Whatever. Whoever.

I learnt that some people find it hard to stop. And some find it hard to keep going. I had been in either of them.

something I had overlooked for a long, long time. 

These latter years, in which I had been struggling to keep on living by ticking off my to-do-list, living up words and promises, fulfilling obligations and responsibilities, these are also the years when I had slacked off a lot, many times I got away from the track, wandering alone while putting on deaf ears to the world and most of the time thinking, do I really deserve this?

When I got to medical school, I was like, yay, I got what I want!
After that I was like why am I here?
Then I realized that many would want to be in my shoes i.e. being a med student, so I need to buck up!
And there goes the fluctuations of ups and downs.
Finally, I passed my med school. Alhamdulillah.

But then, the very same question came up: do I deserve this?

We all know that our subconscious mind is more powerful that the conscious part.

Unsurprisingly, my subconscious mind replayed all the reasons and times that would prove I don't deserve this title. There were just too many I am embarrassed to list them all. Here are a few:

i) I was just lucky. Many of the theory questions were things that were popped up by my friends just few days earlier. That does not need a genius if everyone had friends like I do. The short cases stations I had were just fine. Everyone were to pass if they had the same cases and examiners as me. The long case station was a really great luck. Perhaps everyone prayers were on my side. I got the very same case I had discussed with my supervisor. Phewww, who wouldn't pass that?

ii) There are many more of my friends who should be in my place instead. I felt really bad because I know that this is true deep in my heart. They are more hardworking, proactive, kind, lovable, put in greater effort than I do and many more. In short, I have not been optimizing whatever I had had. I had been taking things for granted.

iii) I do things as I please i.e. bare minimum. I am too ashamed to explain the details. My groupmates know better (T.T)

iv) I neglected my study group. I do have a valid reason though, but it was just so cowardice of me to just leave. I am the happiest person to know they all succeeded :') May Allah showers you all with His mercy and blessings.

v) ...


But then...

People keep on telling me 'congratulations!'. Well, I am happy. Who wouldn't be glad to pass and graduate? but it did not end there...

People start calling me with the title. Before this I would just say "not yet, Dr-to-be but not yet a doctor". Now, the title is embedded on my forehead. Running no more.


It finally dawned on me that I had to face this and live it up. I am sorry that I am so slow i.e. 'lampi' (lambat pick-up). So I figured out ways to allow me trust myself. To have faith in myself. To believe in this qadr of Allahu Ta'ala. I might have not done the best but that doesn't mean I could not do my best in the future. Nayyy. Allah's blessings and mercy are infinite. No one could ever convince me the opposite.

I told myself that I might have been taking things for granted for the past five years but for me to come to this point of life, I had done what is necessary. I deserve to have what I have. Fullstop.

I told myself the 'luck' and 'fortune' I encountered during my exam might be just who they are i.e. luck and fortune but they are there with Allah's will. So there is wisdom behind this. I need to be patient. I learnt that (from a talk) sabr is to be applied over three things:
i) Patience in obedience towards Allahu Ta'ala (performing ibadah)
ii) Patience against disobedience towards Allahu Ta'ala (avoiding sins)
iii) Patience over the qadr of Allahu Ta'ala (fate and destiny; there are wisdom in everything)



I am to live my life, the present moment and not being stuck in the shadow of the past. I may let glimpses of the past to guide me tread the path of tomorrow but not to suck me in like a black hole. It is the ending that we all wants. The absolute happiness. Jannah.

One of the reasons that I keep on living my life in this career path is because of a pact I made with two of my friends. In fact, this pact keep me going on every time I came onto a halt. We were three. Now we are two. May Allah grant all of us His blessings and mercy. Perhaps the details would be included in an entry some time later.



And among the things that I always came up with whenever any motivation I came up with failed to surmount this guilt, were my beloved Mek's advice: "You had chosen your path, so do your best at it" :')

:')

I love to collect quotes. They are to remind me because I am very forgetful. They are to give me motivation because I often feels down. They give me the strength and confidence to persevere because perseverance is not just merely waiting.



May this entry benefit you even in the slightest possible way. Till we meet again. Bi iznillah.

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to live or to die?

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Praise and glory be upon Allah The Almighty and The Sustainer

Alhamdulillah, I had been living for 23 years which also means my life is now 23 years short since I was born.

My life has not been easy but it is not that hard when compared to others.
I have lovely parents and family, friends and awesome people around me.
I was given good clothes by my parents, well fed and has everything I need. Often, I get what I want too.
My life is a blessed one and I am grateful for that. 

I would not want to be someone who would shut an eye to all these blessings of mine just because of what some other people has or gain. What has been decreed to us, will get to us even if we run from it and what has not been decreed to us will not get to us even if we run towards it - quoted. 

Long have I lived but it seems so short... and I am ashamed it might not be meaningful to others. I am striving to become better and bring goodness to every creature around me. InsyaAllah.

To be honest, there are many times when I thought: "If I had been given the choice to live or to die, what would it be?". Despite of pondering over this question many, many times, I still couldn't find the answer. I will end up thinking, if I could really choose to die now, have I done enough taubah to atone for my sins, have I done enough good deeds to have the mercy and blessing of Allah swt? and if I chose to keep on living, how would I know that I am not going to commit more sins? how can I be so sure that every single coming seconds of my life will be filled with meaningful deeds and actions? I could never answer that. 

Have we ever thought that the fact of our dying moments are kept secret from us so that we can really, really, really live this life? It is a blessing that we do not know when is our expiry date. So we would do our very best from this moment. Yes, from this moment. If we decided not to change, then nothing can change us. (Ar-Ra'd 13:11).  The change need to start within us. The will to change and our actions towards making a change. 

For long, I had wondered, why am I living my life just because I am not dead yet. I wondered where had been my zeal and enthusiasm for life? How can I choose a career that deals very closely with life and death and yet it is almost like I lost my heart in it? 

I had been living my life like that for long. Yes, indeed. Perhaps I am timid and a coward. Perhaps I am lost in my own direction. Perhaps I do not know even myself and this life. 

I am grateful for my family and friends whom had always make me stay close to the deen. Always. Whenever I went astray, somebody would definitely pull me back. Alhamdulillah. 

And one day, in one of the most awesome conference I had ever attended, the speaker questioned the audience: "how many of us here would like to die for Islam? would like to die in the name of Islam? would like to die for Rasulullah s.a.w?" and I bet every one of us would want to scream our lungs out "I do! I do! I do!".

And then he continued: "so why cannot we live for Islam? why can't we live the way Islam wants? why can't we live like how Prophet Muhammad pbuh want us to live?". That statement hit me hard. Really hard. Like really, really hard. Crushed to the core of the earth. It finally dawned on me. How can I dream of being a servant of Allah and dies in His path when I can hardly live the way Allah wants? I hope and I pray to Allah that I will never ever lose that feeling again. A feeling I could never describe. But that feeling tells me to live my life to the fullest. With خير insyaAllah. I am grateful I attended that conference =) May Allah grant every single person who had made that conference a success and led me to it lots and lots of blessings and maghfirah in this world and the hereafter. 

Another thing that struck me really hard is when my dad told me: "do you know what your granny told me? She said, whenever a parent whom the children are among soliheen, when s/he passed away, s/he will wish that the children will be granted a long life. For their dua(the dua of soleh children for their parents) will benefit their parents even when the parents had passed away." and then my dad smiled. That moment, made me promised myself to be the best of myself for the sake of Allah so I could benefit others. Allahua'lam. May Allah grant us a blissful life and every seconds of our lives bring us closer to Him.

My life is running short. So is yours. Hopefully we will live our lives to the fullest so we can get the best of lives in the after life =)

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