of relapses and remissions

 I was just telling myself : Life always has its way to tease you at your sore spot. 

and to add to that: and it often happens when you just about to feel things are going right. 

I guess it is The Almighty's way to remind you that your life is only for Him. 

and your ultimate aim is the Hereafter - which will last for eternity. 

Just like relapses and remissions. 

Ups and downs in life. 

There are times you were defeated - by circumstances, by fate, by diseases. Just like when someone has relapses. I am sure no one wants any calamity to befall them. 

And then we get better. We get stronger. We become wiser. Things are better. 

For a while. 

Then there will be challenges again. And perhaps I realised this too late - that this cycle will never end. 

"This too shall pass". 

Either by good moments followed by terrible ones, or vice versa. 

Often I felt defeated - totally. And I feel like giving up. But then I realised I have no way to go - except giving my best. That I can only do my best not to let life beats me down. Until I have my last breath. 

Life is hard. So be it. 

Life is unfair. Since when this world is just? 

Life is tiring. Don't we age by living? 

But life is also full of vigour. 

Life is also beautiful. 

Life also throws things that make you smile. 

So let's be grateful over those :) 

After all, we all were looking for that beautiful ending. 

So may all of us are granted with beautiful patience. 

Assassination classroom; Koro-sensei

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Proud

 Many people told me that they are proud of my achievements, especially over my recent success on passing my defense. Of course, there are still many more hurdles in future, but at least I am one step closer now.

But what I don't understand is that I don't feel proud at all. Relieved, definitely. It had been a long struggle since I started, so yes, definitely relieved. Should I be proud of myself? 

Honestly, I am lost. 

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crying out loud

I felt awful yesterday and last night.

coz I felt dreadful over comments by Prof after we had mock presentation in the morning. 

and I didn't get the chance to present to my own supervisors before - not sure why, but I kind of disappointed over this. 

I felt hopeless and deflated, thinking that I will surely fail.

I cried many times throughout the day after coming back home. And definitely while driving home. 

At 12 midnight, I felt it was the worst birthday ever. 

but then... I forgot to look at the good things. 

Prof allowed me to perform a Sistrunk procedure - of course partly ('mainly') done by him. 

I had criticism during a mock presentation - which means I still have time to do correction and prepare before the real defense. 

I did not get to present to my supervisors- but hey, I did get to present to one of the senior panelists, and also my previous supervisors (Prof Emeritus tau! hehe)

Why would I allow myself to feel terrible over what had happened? Why didn't I enjoy the present moment- Mek Ayah, my ohana and all the lovely people around me (and from far who have always been in my heart) :) and the day couldn't be better. Alhamdulillah ❤️

and my beloved boss ;) ;) said: "Ya.. one exam wont define you.. its what you do here onwards to your patients that defines you.."... too bad that he had to endure so much complaining beforehand. Sorry boss 😘

and I am grateful for this fb post that came across my wall, it really knocked me on the head so I could enjoy the moment. 

here was the quote: 

Complaining drains the good energy of the complainer and listener. Focus and take action on what we can control instead. And be grateful for the blessings that we have. The rest will take care itself. 

-Richard Ker

So, let us not worry over the past and embrace each moment and do our best! Jia you 💪🏼

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