Sunday, August 3, 2014

I don't deserve this

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

How shall I start this?

It is very difficult for me to write this out for a few reasons:

i) from some perspectives, it is going to be negative
ii) it is to admit one's shortcomings, negative thoughts and feelings
iii) this could be a side of me people had never seen. 

Nevertheless, I wrote this as a reminder for myself and for those who want to make it to.

For many years, I had been wanting to become a doctor.  A surgeon to be specific. There were times I had gone even more specific (before I got into my clinical years). Neurosurgery. Paeds surgery. I put off the idea for a number of times too. 

For many years too, I had been wondering whether I really want to be a doctor. As each day passes, I need to look for a source of motivation to keep me going. Anything. Be it my parents' voice. Their love and hope. Their advices. My ohana in general. My lecturers. Seeing them. Listening to them. Scolded by them. Encouraged by them. My purpose of living. My ultimatum. A patient. Many patients. Patient's family. An oath. A promise. Whatever. Whoever.

I learnt that some people find it hard to stop. And some find it hard to keep going. I had been in either of them.

something I had overlooked for a long, long time. 

These latter years, in which I had been struggling to keep on living by ticking off my to-do-list, living up words and promises, fulfilling obligations and responsibilities, these are also the years when I had slacked off a lot, many times I got away from the track, wandering alone while putting on deaf ears to the world and most of the time thinking, do I really deserve this?

When I got to medical school, I was like, yay, I got what I want!
After that I was like why am I here?
Then I realized that many would want to be in my shoes i.e. being a med student, so I need to buck up!
And there goes the fluctuations of ups and downs.
Finally, I passed my med school. Alhamdulillah.

But then, the very same question came up: do I deserve this?

We all know that our subconscious mind is more powerful that the conscious part.

Unsurprisingly, my subconscious mind replayed all the reasons and times that would prove I don't deserve this title. There were just too many I am embarrassed to list them all. Here are a few:

i) I was just lucky. Many of the theory questions were things that were popped up by my friends just few days earlier. That does not need a genius if everyone had friends like I do. The short cases stations I had were just fine. Everyone were to pass if they had the same cases and examiners as me. The long case station was a really great luck. Perhaps everyone prayers were on my side. I got the very same case I had discussed with my supervisor. Phewww, who wouldn't pass that?

ii) There are many more of my friends who should be in my place instead. I felt really bad because I know that this is true deep in my heart. They are more hardworking, proactive, kind, lovable, put in greater effort than I do and many more. In short, I have not been optimizing whatever I had had. I had been taking things for granted.

iii) I do things as I please i.e. bare minimum. I am too ashamed to explain the details. My groupmates know better (T.T)

iv) I neglected my study group. I do have a valid reason though, but it was just so cowardice of me to just leave. I am the happiest person to know they all succeeded :') May Allah showers you all with His mercy and blessings.

v) ...

But then...

People keep on telling me 'congratulations!'. Well, I am happy. Who wouldn't be glad to pass and graduate? but it did not end there...

People start calling me with the title. Before this I would just say "not yet, Dr-to-be but not yet a doctor". Now, the title is embedded on my forehead. Running no more.

It finally dawned on me that I had to face this and live it up. I am sorry that I am so slow i.e. 'lampi' (lambat pick-up). So I figured out ways to allow me trust myself. To have faith in myself. To believe in this qadr of Allahu Ta'ala. I might have not done the best but that doesn't mean I could not do my best in the future. Nayyy. Allah's blessings and mercy are infinite. No one could ever convince me the opposite.

I told myself that I might have been taking things for granted for the past five years but for me to come to this point of life, I had done what is necessary. I deserve to have what I have. Fullstop.

I told myself the 'luck' and 'fortune' I encountered during my exam might be just who they are i.e. luck and fortune but they are there with Allah's will. So there is wisdom behind this. I need to be patient. I learnt that (from a talk) sabr is to be applied over three things:
i) Patience in obedience towards Allahu Ta'ala (performing ibadah)
ii) Patience against disobedience towards Allahu Ta'ala (avoiding sins)
iii) Patience over the qadr of Allahu Ta'ala (fate and destiny; there are wisdom in everything)

I am to live my life, the present moment and not being stuck in the shadow of the past. I may let glimpses of the past to guide me tread the path of tomorrow but not to suck me in like a black hole. It is the ending that we all wants. The absolute happiness. Jannah.

One of the reasons that I keep on living my life in this career path is because of a pact I made with two of my friends. In fact, this pact keep me going on every time I came onto a halt. We were three. Now we are two. May Allah grant all of us His blessings and mercy. Perhaps the details would be included in an entry some time later.

And among the things that I always came up with whenever any motivation I came up with failed to surmount this guilt, were my beloved Mek's advice: "You had chosen your path, so do your best at it" :')


I love to collect quotes. They are to remind me because I am very forgetful. They are to give me motivation because I often feels down. They give me the strength and confidence to persevere because perseverance is not just merely waiting.

May this entry benefit you even in the slightest possible way. Till we meet again. Bi iznillah.

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