Past, present and future. Past. Eh?

I have heard countless times not to live in the past and not to worry about the future. Instead, live in the present. For past will never come back and the future is not promised. 

Letting go is an art. Is a capability. Probably behind it all, there is science yet to be explained. 

However, knowing myself, the emotional me, I hold tight onto the past for I fear repeating the same mistakes. I fear I will have to endure the same torture I put myself through - if I were to forget and not learn the mistakes. But I am trying to let go and still learning to do so. Please bear with me. 

And I made it a point to write today, as a reminder to myself of the above. That I am holding onto the past so that I would learn from it and not to sulk and living in regret nor blaming myself for it. 

Exactly two years ago, I was on a plane to Penang to sit for MRCS Part B - which I barely passed, but alhamdulillah I did. On the 17th was the exam and my flight back to KL, the next day was my oncall and the day after was my first unsupervised small bowel resection with primary anastomosis (may I experience the excitement for such achievement again). But the very same day I had the excitement, I had an ominous feeling - as to why my mom had not been purging after taking almost two litres of Fortrans. And my fear was proven to be true the very next day from the endoscopy examination - synchronous colonic tumours, of which one was endoscopically obstructed. There were so many questions in my mind, mostly about mek's safety and probable outcome, but there was one that rings often and it was the LOUDEST: "why didn't I detect it sooner?"

I knew it sounded stupid. But that was what had happened and I had learned to move on from that. And from many more things that happened afterwards. 

*jangan marah* 

I used to sing myself John Elton's song (Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word) : "so sad, so sad, it's a sad, sad situation. And it's getting more and more absurd". 
At least to me, at that point of time, it was. 

I just wrote this down to tell myself, that it is ok to had felt that way. That allowed me to learn to embrace my feelings and moved on. Whatever had happened made me who I am now. 

Of course, with all the support and help from my ohana and lovely people around me (close and faraway, you know who you are).

. 
Thank you very much :) 

- Charlie Mackesy-

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Dilemma

There is this one urge that had been bothering me lately. 

The urge to quit. 

To quit this path that doesn't feel right with me. 

Perhaps I belong elsewhere. 

I told someone, then she told me: "muslims don't quit". 

True. But I ain't quitting life right? 

I told another person, then he said: 

"A path won't always be easy. There will be time when it's gonna be difficult and you have to struggle. I am not sure which one of it. Whether you are experiencing obstacles on your path, and it is your path, the path that you have to go and continue because you will feel happy afterwards in the future when you have overcome the obstacles and have continued.

Or whether you are on the wrong path, and in that case, it might be better to search another path. 

But of course, it is a decision that you cannot take very lightly because when you quit, it is difficult to go back again. So you must be very sure of it."

What is it self? 

What is it that you want? 

What is it that you yearn for? 

Torn apart between perseverance and making the right decision at the right time i.e. opting for other option. 

Charlie Mackesy

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