Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A tribute too late and will never suffice

بسم الله الرحمن االرحيم

I plan to make this entry on someone's birthday.
Someone who I live in before living in this world.
Someone who had brought me up.
Someone who had taught me about faith and believe.
Someone who had instilled in me confidence and esteem.
Someone who had convinced me that she will always be there for me.
Someone whom I love with all my heart but still, I couldn't love her enough if people were to compare our love for each other.

A mother's love is the next powerful thing after your love for Allah and His Messenger pbuh.
I am among the fortunate children to have the touch of a mother.
 الحمد لله كثيرا 

But you know what, I am five days late.
I could never list everything that Mek had done for me, for it is endless.
Mek was the one who had difficulty in sleeping when I told her my SPM chemistry paper was not easy (I just told her it wasn't easy; not it was difficult).
She was the one who kept rekindling my self-confidence when I was in medical school.
She is my greatest source of motivation for just listening to her voice could soothes my worries and boosts my energy.
She would be worried just because I am not smiling.
I am reminded most to smile because she told me she loved seeing me smiling. (so does ayah ^.^)
She never forgets to give me advices over and over again because she knows how forgetful I am.
She is the best mother to have; and you would want to have a mother in law like her. (you gan get the testimonies from by SIL and BIL :P )
Whenever I am not happy or sad or tired or feeling anything not good, she lifted up my spirit even when she is not around. You know how? By telling me that I will always be in her prayers and most importantly, by reminding me that Allah is always with us :)

My all time favourite of all her advices: be a good girl, anywhere, anytime =)

Her advice that I remember the most everytime I feel like giving up: you had chosen your path, so do your best at it!

I am such a bad daughter because I often made her worry, especially when I started working.

This is a story during the first few weeks of my working life:

I was not a hardworking student so I am lacking in knowledge and competency. The result would show when you start working. I worked so slow and very inefficiently I ended up going back from work at 12midnight the earliest with minimal oral intake. The usual hours are 2/3am in the morning. That was such a strain to my body (who had been having excessive sleeping hours and food during half a year holiday). One day off every week was spent for sleep and laundry. I lost 5kg in just two weeks and had a very bad URTI - leaving me almost voiceless. Both mek and ayah were so worried and like a magic to me, they turned up (I am so glad I applied somewhere near home ^.^ ; *tips for newly medical graduate-apply for housemanship in the hospital I am working right now- insyaAllah pasti dapat ^.^). As guilty as I am to make them worry, I was exhilarated by their presence. Even better, mek stayed with me for that night  =) For whatever reason, of all nights I had been having that URTI, I continuously coughing throughout the night, hardly able to sleep despite of the exhaustion. And I remembered, mek called me out and handed me a glass of warm asam jawa drink *it still felt like a dream to me* and biiznillah, my cough got away for the whole night and I got a lovely, deep 3-hours sleep before going back to work the next morning.

A mother's love is like the universe- unquantifiable.

For I am late in writing this tribute, I will include a tribute due in fifteen days in this one as well. After all, it is for mek's another half =) and the story I am about to tell had them both as my saviors.

About a person whom without him and mek, I wouldn't have existed. 
Someone who taught me about living a life. 
Someone who had proven me that there is always a way no matter how difficult life can be.
Someone who wouldn't like me crying even when I was a little girl but will still get worried anyway. 
Someone who would always be worried about my safety and health. 
Someone who would do his best to provide the best for his loved ones. 
Someone who showed me the meaning of courage and perseverance. 
Someone whom my siblings and I called MacGyver because he is such a hero to all of us :)

Ayah was the type who wouldn't talk much about anything unless it was necessary or he was asked about it.
He would always tell me (and my other siblings as well): anak ayah dah besar, boleh buat keputusan sendiri, kalau perlu ayah beri nasihat.
That's how cool ayah is.

Another thing, just recently I heard on radio about woman and man worrying. One of the lines that I remembered was: 'it is not that man does not worry, they just don't show their worries'. It's true. You know why? I did mention before that I lost quite a number of weight when I started working (which is something I like actually), and ayah didn't really say anything. He just reminded me to take my meals properly and not just some light snack, supplied me with multivitamins and told me to have a good rest whenever possible. I never thought the fact that I lost weight worried him until one fine day after few months (after I had regained a bit of weight) when I got home, he said: 'mah dah nampak sihat sikit dah. Macam ni baru lah anak ayah' ^.^
Well, u can conclude yourself ;)

Very much like a dad, ayah is serious no matter how funny and sporting he can be. Mek always said: 'anak-anak mek susah nak dengar cakap mek, tapi kalau ayah cakap sekali je, semua dengar' --> that line summarises how lovely mek is and how strict ayah is =P sorry mek, we all tried our best to be obedient ;D

When I was a child, I used to be a cry-baby(which aggravates my brothers' desire to tease me) and ayah didn't like people crying - this taught me to be stronger and not to cry on petty, little things.

If anyone were to talk about bravery, ayah will immediately come to my mind. Ayah is such a brave man. He would always do his best to give us comfort and security. He would always ensure our safety and be there whenever we are in need. He stood up for the truth and never let a lie lasts. - even more reason to admire him.

And here is the story that would remind me of their love for me:
There was this fine day when I was supposed to celebrate my graduation with the rest of my classmates and lecturers- with our parents as the guests of honour. I looked forward to this day ever since I got the invitation letter, I told my parents earlier so they could get leave for that day- and they did =) In fact, on the day itself, we planned in such a way that my parents would go the venue first and I would come later(the situation wouldn't let us go together). Regardless of everything, destiny had decided for me not to be able to go for that event. Something happened near my workplace. Because of that incident, my parents had to come all the way from Cheras to Klang, and I felt so guilty and sorry for two things - for troubling them all the way there and for making them unable to attend the event. But you know what? They told me that they were grateful that they took leaves so they can be with me and accompany me.  And they said (I would never want to forget, when I told them I am sorry for what had happened):
Mek: 'what important is that mek and ayah want you to be the happiest girl in this world!'
Ayah: 'any time, any where, I will be there for you'

I could never finish this list. No matter what, I am grateful for mek and ayah and no one could ever replace them and no one can love me more than they do=) No matter what, I am grateful for mek and ayah and no one could ever replace them. May I become a daughter who would benefit them both in this world and hereafter.

To mek and ayah, happy birthday, may every second of your life filled with love and blessings from Allah swt, be it in ease or difficulties. Thank you so much for having me as your child. Lnmusm <3 p="">

Monday, December 8, 2014

Worn out

For long
I had thought
Why me?
Why are these all unending?
How long shall this last?
For I am exhausted
Worn out
To a point that I no longer wish to breathe
So everything shall pass by
Without any effort
Being tireless
For long
I did think in such way
For countless times
I wish for things to end
But just now
I was reminded
That that is how life would be
When we are living for the sake of being
Rather than the sake of the Creator
For if we are living for Allah We shall be tireless as from Him, we ask for strength
We shall be resourceful for He is our Supplier

Shame on me for ever being tired
Pity on me to be searching for what I should not
As for now, Self, please be reminded of your ultimate goal - His Mercy and Blessings ♥

the secret to keep going on

بسم الله الرحن الرحيم

Alhamdulillah, now I had gone through three months of my housemanship. It wasn't easy and full of dry tears :) Many at times, I had to drag myself going to work, not to abandon my responsibility, to carry out my duty. In a way, you would picture it as something I do because it is obligatory. I wouldn't deny that to an extent. Each day that passes highlighted my shortcomings, be it in knowledge, skill or ability. And for every highlight, it can be very demotivating, devastating, draining every strength and emotion I had left at that moment. Yet, like someone told me, there is always room for improvement, that is why no one is perfect. Some people are so strong, able to go on very positively, looking forward to each day. Unlike me, waiting for the day to pass, dreading for tomorrow. I am that weak and fragile. That's why I sought for strength from Him and through the people He sent around me :)

There were many times when nurses shouted at you; well, you are such a junior stupid doctor anyway. Many more times when you were blamed for others' faults and yet nothing you can say since you are meant to be the punching bag after all. But there are precious few times that gives encouragement that lasts. No matter how simple it is. A patient's smile. A simple 'good job' by your boss. When your boss entrusted you with a task, knowing that you can do it. When a patient personally requested for you to prick him/her. When a patient prayed for you. When you exchange glances and smiles with your equally exhausted colleagues. A simple text from you old friend. A mere smiley through whatsapp. And many more bigger things. The most special of all - my ohana =). Thank you Allah for everything. Thank you sooo much. Thank you for giving me the strength to keep going on ^.^

p/s: life is not meant to be the way we want it, but we are meant to live the best that we can!

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