Thursday, January 18, 2018

Kekuatan itu.

Have I ever told you that I always have this over-thinking problem. Imagining this. Imagining that. Anticipating this and that too. And as what the term (overthinking) describes, less than one percent of all those actually happened.

So this was what I thought of the other day.

Somehow I was in the midst of conversation with my bosses (consultant included), I couldn’t remember exactly what was the topic, but I remembered who(does this matter to begin with?) and I wasn’t sure what had happened but then my boss said: “whoaaaa nak mati ke jawab macam tu?”. And somehow my reply was even more surprising: “kenapa nak takut boss? Setiap hari saya doa moga diberikan kekuatan untuk menjalani hari tersebut. Dah banyak hari saya rasa macam nak mati je tapi tiap-tiap pagi Allah bangunkan saya untuk teruskan hidup”.

I have no idea how I came up with that, and I bet I don’t have the guts to actually say that to my boss. Hehehe. But that really made me ponder. Why did I say that? And indeed, I beg for strength and patience everyday for living is freaking exhausting. 

Dan disebabkan kekuatan itu, saya masih di sini sekarang. Dan saya masih saya. Setinggi-tinggi pujian buat Ilahi yang Maha Kuasa dan Perkasa. 

Dalam kesedihan, ada cuitan yang menggembirakan.
Dalam kesunyian, hadir sapa dan suara yang menceriakan.
That someone’s smile.
Someone’s joke.
Someone who’s asking because he or she is concerned.
Relaxing drive which untangles your confused thoughts.
Questions which lead you to answers.
Thoughts that make you think.
Senja yang menakjubkan.
Matahari yang tidak pernah penat menyinar.
Langit cantik yang tidak pernah tidak menenangkan.
Lautan tenang yang hanya dengan membayangkannya dapat menggembirakan.
Senyuman sahabat yang hanya dengan mengingatinya mengukir senyuman dirimu sendiri.
Dan seterusnya.
And this list is not exhaustive.

Thank you Allah.
Please make me and the people around me among grateful people and contented.
For all the blessings are from You and to You we shall return.

Jangan sekali-kali menarik rahmat dan barakah-Mu. Limpahkan kami dengan kesabaran dan kekuatan untuk menjalani kehidupan ini dengan sebaik-baiknya.

Allahu, sesungguhnya hati ini rindu :’(

I hope this post did not translate into negativity for you, it’s just a reminder for me to be grateful and to keep on pleading from my Lord.


Friday, January 5, 2018

When it is all actually about you

Have you ever thought why you keep on living your days?
Going through the moments, good or bad, hard or smooth, lovely or upsetting, you still go through it.
Given a choice, how would you decide for which? Is it affected by others? Is it affected by convenience? Or is it actually just you and what you want or what you need.
And the options you open up to life, to others, were they the true available options? Or were they actually just compromises that you can make, be it huge or minute.
In the end, you just find it hard to trust because when you do, you really give the whole of it.


The fog.

With the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful.

It had been long since I had ever written anything. Or perhaps since I took time to actually jot down the words that came across my mind. Maybe because it’s too overwhelming? Or maybe it’s just because I wanna let it out somehow. Whether or not did anyone bother, it doesn’t matter.

I moved here, to this place, for quite some time already, over a year actually, close to fifteen months to be exact. Beautiful place, wonderful people, nice food. Full stop. Ain’t that sound perfect already?
It is. But this ungrateful side of me always long for more. Somehow, you don’t feel like you fit in somehow. That you, trying so hard to be ‘included’ that automatically makes you ‘excluded’. So much of drama right?

And I thought that was all. My struggle stops there. At least that was what I thought. Until the fog is clearing off, and it dawned upon me now that this distance I thought I can handle is a bit to much. Way too much in fact. The fog that had been obscuring the view had actually done me good. People say that ignorance is a bliss. Indeed it is. I tried to clear off the fog and it kind of backstabbed me now. Way too metaphorical ain’t it? Purposely made it that way.

Maybe I had forgotten about Al Wakeel and now He is trying to remind me of that.

O Allah, guide me to the right path, do not let me go astray. Grant me the patience to persevere through this life and bestow upon me the peace and the serenity, sakinah in which only You can place in our hearts.

People told me, if you never voice it out, no one would ever knew and give response to that.
But now I feel, words that were kept inside, could have given you more peace than spoken words in which you wish no one could’ve ever heard.

Beautiful patience is not simple.

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