to live or to die?

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Praise and glory be upon Allah The Almighty and The Sustainer

Alhamdulillah, I had been living for 23 years which also means my life is now 23 years short since I was born.

My life has not been easy but it is not that hard when compared to others.
I have lovely parents and family, friends and awesome people around me.
I was given good clothes by my parents, well fed and has everything I need. Often, I get what I want too.
My life is a blessed one and I am grateful for that. 

I would not want to be someone who would shut an eye to all these blessings of mine just because of what some other people has or gain. What has been decreed to us, will get to us even if we run from it and what has not been decreed to us will not get to us even if we run towards it - quoted. 

Long have I lived but it seems so short... and I am ashamed it might not be meaningful to others. I am striving to become better and bring goodness to every creature around me. InsyaAllah.

To be honest, there are many times when I thought: "If I had been given the choice to live or to die, what would it be?". Despite of pondering over this question many, many times, I still couldn't find the answer. I will end up thinking, if I could really choose to die now, have I done enough taubah to atone for my sins, have I done enough good deeds to have the mercy and blessing of Allah swt? and if I chose to keep on living, how would I know that I am not going to commit more sins? how can I be so sure that every single coming seconds of my life will be filled with meaningful deeds and actions? I could never answer that. 

Have we ever thought that the fact of our dying moments are kept secret from us so that we can really, really, really live this life? It is a blessing that we do not know when is our expiry date. So we would do our very best from this moment. Yes, from this moment. If we decided not to change, then nothing can change us. (Ar-Ra'd 13:11).  The change need to start within us. The will to change and our actions towards making a change. 

For long, I had wondered, why am I living my life just because I am not dead yet. I wondered where had been my zeal and enthusiasm for life? How can I choose a career that deals very closely with life and death and yet it is almost like I lost my heart in it? 

I had been living my life like that for long. Yes, indeed. Perhaps I am timid and a coward. Perhaps I am lost in my own direction. Perhaps I do not know even myself and this life. 

I am grateful for my family and friends whom had always make me stay close to the deen. Always. Whenever I went astray, somebody would definitely pull me back. Alhamdulillah. 

And one day, in one of the most awesome conference I had ever attended, the speaker questioned the audience: "how many of us here would like to die for Islam? would like to die in the name of Islam? would like to die for Rasulullah s.a.w?" and I bet every one of us would want to scream our lungs out "I do! I do! I do!".

And then he continued: "so why cannot we live for Islam? why can't we live the way Islam wants? why can't we live like how Prophet Muhammad pbuh want us to live?". That statement hit me hard. Really hard. Like really, really hard. Crushed to the core of the earth. It finally dawned on me. How can I dream of being a servant of Allah and dies in His path when I can hardly live the way Allah wants? I hope and I pray to Allah that I will never ever lose that feeling again. A feeling I could never describe. But that feeling tells me to live my life to the fullest. With خير insyaAllah. I am grateful I attended that conference =) May Allah grant every single person who had made that conference a success and led me to it lots and lots of blessings and maghfirah in this world and the hereafter. 

Another thing that struck me really hard is when my dad told me: "do you know what your granny told me? She said, whenever a parent whom the children are among soliheen, when s/he passed away, s/he will wish that the children will be granted a long life. For their dua(the dua of soleh children for their parents) will benefit their parents even when the parents had passed away." and then my dad smiled. That moment, made me promised myself to be the best of myself for the sake of Allah so I could benefit others. Allahua'lam. May Allah grant us a blissful life and every seconds of our lives bring us closer to Him.

My life is running short. So is yours. Hopefully we will live our lives to the fullest so we can get the best of lives in the after life =)

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