Past, present and future. Past. Eh?

I have heard countless times not to live in the past and not to worry about the future. Instead, live in the present. For past will never come back and the future is not promised. 

Letting go is an art. Is a capability. Probably behind it all, there is science yet to be explained. 

However, knowing myself, the emotional me, I hold tight onto the past for I fear repeating the same mistakes. I fear I will have to endure the same torture I put myself through - if I were to forget and not learn the mistakes. But I am trying to let go and still learning to do so. Please bear with me. 

And I made it a point to write today, as a reminder to myself of the above. That I am holding onto the past so that I would learn from it and not to sulk and living in regret nor blaming myself for it. 

Exactly two years ago, I was on a plane to Penang to sit for MRCS Part B - which I barely passed, but alhamdulillah I did. On the 17th was the exam and my flight back to KL, the next day was my oncall and the day after was my first unsupervised small bowel resection with primary anastomosis (may I experience the excitement for such achievement again). But the very same day I had the excitement, I had an ominous feeling - as to why my mom had not been purging after taking almost two litres of Fortrans. And my fear was proven to be true the very next day from the endoscopy examination - synchronous colonic tumours, of which one was endoscopically obstructed. There were so many questions in my mind, mostly about mek's safety and probable outcome, but there was one that rings often and it was the LOUDEST: "why didn't I detect it sooner?"

I knew it sounded stupid. But that was what had happened and I had learned to move on from that. And from many more things that happened afterwards. 

*jangan marah* 

I used to sing myself John Elton's song (Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word) : "so sad, so sad, it's a sad, sad situation. And it's getting more and more absurd". 
At least to me, at that point of time, it was. 

I just wrote this down to tell myself, that it is ok to had felt that way. That allowed me to learn to embrace my feelings and moved on. Whatever had happened made me who I am now. 

Of course, with all the support and help from my ohana and lovely people around me (close and faraway, you know who you are).

. 
Thank you very much :) 

- Charlie Mackesy-

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Dilemma

There is this one urge that had been bothering me lately. 

The urge to quit. 

To quit this path that doesn't feel right with me. 

Perhaps I belong elsewhere. 

I told someone, then she told me: "muslims don't quit". 

True. But I ain't quitting life right? 

I told another person, then he said: 

"A path won't always be easy. There will be time when it's gonna be difficult and you have to struggle. I am not sure which one of it. Whether you are experiencing obstacles on your path, and it is your path, the path that you have to go and continue because you will feel happy afterwards in the future when you have overcome the obstacles and have continued.

Or whether you are on the wrong path, and in that case, it might be better to search another path. 

But of course, it is a decision that you cannot take very lightly because when you quit, it is difficult to go back again. So you must be very sure of it."

What is it self? 

What is it that you want? 

What is it that you yearn for? 

Torn apart between perseverance and making the right decision at the right time i.e. opting for other option. 

Charlie Mackesy

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That unrelenting guilt.

Bismillah. 

The past month had been about me struggling to fight my inner demons. 

My inner thoughts. 

The constant thought chatter, that's what my therapist called it. 

I called it spiraling into overthinking. 

Overthinking ain't the same as critical thinking. 

Critical thinking provides you a wider point of view and options. 

On the other hand, overthinking leads to you into a blackhole, constant thoughts over things out of your control - be it something in the past, or something yet to happen in the future that results in unnecessary worry. 

I am not sure how many of you suffered from this but it ain't something fun. 

It is very dreadful. 

Thinking about the past leads me to self-blame and guilt - and that drives me to depression. 

Thinking about the uncertain future leads me to never ending anxiety - also disturbs my peace of mind, and sometimes, even my sleep (those who are close to me knows how precious my sleep is). 

And I am writing it down here. 

So as to embrace it and fight it with all my might. 

So I acknowledge it and find ways to outdo it and prevent it from happening again. 

So at the end of the day, I have better mental health. 

And why does the title unrelenting guilt?

Because that's what started all of these. 

I had this guilt of blaming myself for: 

-not diagnosing my parents illnesses earlier. This thing is scarily haunting me over and over again for the past couple of years. 

-not arranging the surgery for my beloved earlier - I told myself I had many opportunities to do so, just that I had not been persistent enough to pursue it. Hence, the guilt kept creeping back.  

-and because of the above reasons, the treatment of his condition is now has to be put on hold until a certain criterion is met, which means the disease might progress in the meantime (and this is the uncertainty of the future that brings anxiety). And yup, so it goes back to no. 1 and becomes a vicious cycle. 

My mind went crazy. At one moment the guilt and self-blame overwhelms me. And the other moment is the sane me telling me to stop blaming myself and do what I can at the present moment. 

It's like having a civil war inside your mind. 
Funny but not funny. Miahahaha. 

Anyway, I am happy that I vent this out to my therapist. I was reminded of the following (which helped me to put things in context better): 

-I can imagine that it left you frustrated, your only mistake is blaming yourself. Of course you are very concerned about your parent, but, like I said before, you are only human. There are (a lot of) things outside your control. It can be useful to look back to your personal choices and behaviour from time to time and learn from mistakes but it is something else to get frustrated out of unreasonable self-blame.

-You didn't make a mistake in this situation. And when you do make a mistake, thinking in an "if only" kind of way isn't helpful. People make mistakes. All people. A lot of mistakes. Everyday. It is part of being human. In hindsight things look different. I will say again that in my eyes you didn't make a mistake in this situation. But you will make mistakes in the future. You are only human.

-The problem is in the self-blame, the overthinking, the lack of acceptance that (a lot of) things are outside your control, also very important things that mean everything to you, like your parents' health and well-being.

-I think if there is anything that you can learn here and address, it is that looking back and blaming yourself in hindsight, even for things that you cannot reasonably be blamed for, doesn't help and even makes things worse. It undermines your self confidence and happiness and general wellbeing and that might even lead to mistakes instead of preventing them, thus causing exactly what you so desperately try to avoid.

ig @bigpandaandtinydragon

Dear self, please be more forgiving to yourself, for you too deserve love and forgiveness <3 

Learn to love oneself and that will allow your love for others to bloom. 

And, live up to the power of now. Like Mek always said: "treat each day as a gift". 

I believe that you will continue to improve yourself. And that there are so many people around you that will help you to do better :) Because they all love you for who you are <3

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an indescribable outcry

I have been so overwhelmed lately. 

By a certain emotion consecutively. 

Stressed, helpless and sad/upset. 

Entering a new rotation requires me to make friends with new people, adapting to new system and environment, and most tiring of all - putting up a wall of protection and breaking the communication shell at the same time. And that's definitely how I felt in the beginning - stressed in an unfamiliar environment without anyone I am familiar with (I am grateful that in the previous posting, I had my ex-schoolmates around to guide me in the rotation and at the same time easing my anxiety. Not to mention the traffic I had to go through (yup, my emotions are super labile when it comes to bad traffic. Patience, dear. Patience.)). 

After a couple of weeks - I made awesome friends - with GS flers (of course, it's fellas) whom brought me to eat nice foods, listened to me ranting and made jokes all the time to cheer up my day. Getting to see them at work is definitely one of the things I look forward to. 

Just when I thought I got it under control - the biggest bulldozer came: thesis. I refuse to elaborate, it's just that depressing :P That was the moment in which I felt helpless but I am glad for all the help that I received, including an awesome mate that helped me to write up a hype man speech (for my supervisor). You did it, man! This really worth a mention. Hehe. TQSM. 

And a couple of weeks ago I received an unpleasant news about a very beloved person to me. His biochemical markers did not respond (as expected) to the neoadjuvant treatment he is receiving. The initial couple of weeks I managed to talk to myself and give it the benefit of doubt - probably he is among the lesser percentage that has delayed response to the treatment, rather than not responding well. You know, that kind of pep talk. But then, I was informed that another treatment he is supposed to have after Raya has to be put on halt because of his certain other condition that needs to be addressed first. And this time, I couldn't stop blaming myself for not addressing it earlier (it did come across my mind, but I did not pursue it following a certain reassurance from the team, though my gut feeling told me otherwise). So at the present moment, there's this lingering thought that's telling me: "you know, if you had listened to your gut feelings and done that earlier - and you had ample opportunities and plenty of time to do so, his treatment could have proceeded in timely manner and hence, provides better outcome". As these words continue to hurt and kill whatever left of my sanity and self-worth, I found it hard to denounce it, because they were just so true. The only thing that I can do at the moment is to distract myself from such thoughts and try to focus on what I can do at the present moment. And like always, clinging on whatever hope that is left. 

Just feel like writing this down, with the hope that it will help me to feel and think better :)

Or perhaps I just want to come to acceptance. Someone shared this with me: 

"…Since I became a parent I realised having kids means letting go, dealing with your own fears, and more and more I realised that this principle not only applies to being parent but also to being a human in general. Realising this with regard to ageing parents, or better yet than merely realising it, making peace with it as much as you possibly can, opens up a road to acceptance and makes it possible to count your blessings and enjoy the time that you have left with them more and on a deeper level. It also prepares you, often without fully realising it, for your own time of old age that will (hopefully) come, and you start to understand better what ageing really means and that it is not an easy process that is waiting for you in the distance. Realising this earlier in your life can make you appreciate your life today even more. " -Wise Sorcerer-

O Allah, please grant me the beautiful patience that brings us all closer to you.

بَلْ سَوَّلَتْ لَكُمْ أَنفُسُكُمْ أَمْرًا فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ عَسَى اللّهُ أَن يَأْتِيَنِيبِهِمْ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْعَلِيمُ الْحَكِيمُ

“Nay, but your own selves have beguiled you into something. So patience is most fitting (for me). Maybe Allah will bring them (back) all to me. Truly He! only He is All-Knowing, All-Wise.”

Surah Yusuf 12: 83

Alhamdulillah for all the people around me who had been providing me with so much patience, kindness and comfort. I can't thank you enough.  

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a year remembered by many, if not most

 as I listen to the song bad liar

it somehow reminds me of the year 2020

I am not sure in what way 

but in the fact that 2020 was full of wishes and expectations 

but yet it's breaking at it seams

we are trying so hard 

sometimes we forgot to let it be

let it goes along with the flow 

and for us to take a breath in between. 

from my fave cafe (this was in 2019 though). those who had been my victims to accompany me for coffee or past year session would know which cafe ;)

self, I wish you a better year. 

in whatever terms, better. 

one need not perfection. 

progress is all we need. 

like my boss fave quote: "perfection is the enemy of good".

at the end of the day, we all shall return to Him. 

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