I have been so overwhelmed lately.
By a certain emotion consecutively.
Stressed, helpless and sad/upset.
Entering a new rotation requires me to make friends with new people, adapting to new system and environment, and most tiring of all - putting up a wall of protection and breaking the communication shell at the same time. And that's definitely how I felt in the beginning - stressed in an unfamiliar environment without anyone I am familiar with (I am grateful that in the previous posting, I had my ex-schoolmates around to guide me in the rotation and at the same time easing my anxiety. Not to mention the traffic I had to go through (yup, my emotions are super labile when it comes to bad traffic. Patience, dear. Patience.)).
After a couple of weeks - I made awesome friends - with GS flers (of course, it's fellas) whom brought me to eat nice foods, listened to me ranting and made jokes all the time to cheer up my day. Getting to see them at work is definitely one of the things I look forward to.
Just when I thought I got it under control - the biggest bulldozer came: thesis. I refuse to elaborate, it's just that depressing :P That was the moment in which I felt helpless but I am glad for all the help that I received, including an awesome mate that helped me to write up a hype man speech (for my supervisor). You did it, man! This really worth a mention. Hehe. TQSM.
And a couple of weeks ago I received an unpleasant news about a very beloved person to me. His biochemical markers did not respond (as expected) to the neoadjuvant treatment he is receiving. The initial couple of weeks I managed to talk to myself and give it the benefit of doubt - probably he is among the lesser percentage that has delayed response to the treatment, rather than not responding well. You know, that kind of pep talk. But then, I was informed that another treatment he is supposed to have after Raya has to be put on halt because of his certain other condition that needs to be addressed first. And this time, I couldn't stop blaming myself for not addressing it earlier (it did come across my mind, but I did not pursue it following a certain reassurance from the team, though my gut feeling told me otherwise). So at the present moment, there's this lingering thought that's telling me: "you know, if you had listened to your gut feelings and done that earlier - and you had ample opportunities and plenty of time to do so, his treatment could have proceeded in timely manner and hence, provides better outcome". As these words continue to hurt and kill whatever left of my sanity and self-worth, I found it hard to denounce it, because they were just so true. The only thing that I can do at the moment is to distract myself from such thoughts and try to focus on what I can do at the present moment. And like always, clinging on whatever hope that is left.
Just feel like writing this down, with the hope that it will help me to feel and think better :)
Or perhaps I just want to come to acceptance. Someone shared this with me:
"…Since I became a parent I realised having kids means letting go, dealing with your own fears, and more and more I realised that this principle not only applies to being parent but also to being a human in general. Realising this with regard to ageing parents, or better yet than merely realising it, making peace with it as much as you possibly can, opens up a road to acceptance and makes it possible to count your blessings and enjoy the time that you have left with them more and on a deeper level. It also prepares you, often without fully realising it, for your own time of old age that will (hopefully) come, and you start to understand better what ageing really means and that it is not an easy process that is waiting for you in the distance. Realising this earlier in your life can make you appreciate your life today even more. " -Wise Sorcerer-
O Allah, please grant me the beautiful patience that brings us all closer to you.
بَلْ سَوَّلَتْ لَكُمْ أَنفُسُكُمْ أَمْرًا فَصَبْرٌ جَمِيلٌ عَسَى اللّهُ أَن يَأْتِيَنِيبِهِمْ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْعَلِيمُ الْحَكِيمُ
“Nay, but your own selves have beguiled you into something. So patience is most fitting (for me). Maybe Allah will bring them (back) all to me. Truly He! only He is All-Knowing, All-Wise.”
Surah Yusuf 12: 83
Alhamdulillah for all the people around me who had been providing me with so much patience, kindness and comfort. I can't thank you enough.
