~a matter of equation~

"You are not the centre of the equation. Your patient is. At the end of the day, your patient is who matters the most" -quoted from my senior consultant.

Most of the time now, I dragged myself to work. Mostly because:
i) I don't want to burden my colleagues with my MC/ EL
ii) I still hold responsibility over my job even at times I don't feel like doing it.

But true enough, the above saying couldn't be wrong. You would feel bad if you haven't done the most for your patient and vice versa, nothing can beat the satisfaction that you had when you see the patient is in his/her good shape.

One of my specialist had told us: too bad you are in this profession and in this hospital. Welcome to hell. But there are just moments that will bring you through all difficulties such as a mere thanks from the patient or a pat at the back from your boss.

I won't deny that either.

I just won't forget the moment an aunty told me "Thank you doctor, you are such a nice doctor. May God bless you". All I did to her was greeting her and asked how she is while I poke her for few drops of her blood (she just came for blood taking). Still, her smile and those short sentences remained in my memories- to keep me holding on.

You know what, of all three postings I went through so far, this is the most terrible. It is just undescribable. Sorry I couldn't put it into words. Dealing with mostly pregnant women, every time I see one of them, I would've prayed, Dear Lord, make the delivery safe for them and let both the mother and baby come out well and every time I see a lady with a newborn, I would've thought that this lady must have just delivered last night. :P

One early morning, when I just reached the hospital to start my day, I saw this one lady with her newborn, waiting at the lobby, perhaps waiting for her husband to bring home. Needlessly, I smiled at her. To my surprise, she walked towards me and said "Thank you doctor, I had delivered my baby safely yesterday". Still stunned, I could only say, "Praise to Allah. Please take good care of your and the baby at home. Congratulations". And I could see her face shining bright with a smile. Just like the sun, that short moment brightens up my day.

Indeed, in the end, it is the patient that matters.

"Give more and expect less"

O Allah, grant me the strength and perseverance to live this life as means to earn Your blessings and forgiveness.


*this post had been written when I was still in my previous posting. I am truly sorry that it is only posted now*

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walking the talk or is it not?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Praise upon the Lord the Almighty, I am now at least halfway through my training, be it sweats, bloods, tears or laughter. 

No matter how I looked at it, things are just unbelievable. I am not sure now I am a better person or not. Every coming day should have made me better, but I couldn't bet on that. Shame on me for that. And to be honest, I am still not sure of what I am gonna pursue after this. Living through what had happened, I can only decide what I don't wanna do for now. Being in current posting, which is my favourite when I was a medical student, let me enjoy my work. I do feel down and I still get scoldings every now and then. I am not that all-time favourite HO either. But I just love being part of the team. The thing is, I find it too challenging and I am not sure whether I am up to the challenge. It is too vast and I am not sure if I am capable of doing it. In short, I feel that myself is short of what is required. You know, the feeling of maybe-you-are-not-meant-for-this.

Regardless, I am going to do my best. At least that is what my life deserve out of me. What the people deserve and my colleagues as well. I was on the verge of giving up the other day, not to let everything go, but giving up in the sense of doing things just at par, not at my very best. And I had a huge knock on my head, when I had to share things with my juniors and I ended up telling them: "Never underestimate your own capability coz whatever you have is whatever Allah had granted you; and underestimating it is like insulting your Lord's gift to you." 

And as I said that, it feels like a knife was stabbed slowly through my heart because I was just about to do the opposite. I was just about to be lousy and lazy. I was just about to use my capacity as I wish not as it deserved to be utilized. I almost insulted my own self . I almost murdered my faith by insulting The Almighty's gifts to me. Thank you Allah for still giving me a chance to prove myself not among the hypocrites. O Allah, make me among the righteous, save me from hypocrisy and things that brings forward Your wrath.

I would walk the talk, even though it is done upon obligations, not on free will, because I would rather suffer to be the best of myself than being a hypocrite.

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