walking the talk or is it not?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Praise upon the Lord the Almighty, I am now at least halfway through my training, be it sweats, bloods, tears or laughter. 

No matter how I looked at it, things are just unbelievable. I am not sure now I am a better person or not. Every coming day should have made me better, but I couldn't bet on that. Shame on me for that. And to be honest, I am still not sure of what I am gonna pursue after this. Living through what had happened, I can only decide what I don't wanna do for now. Being in current posting, which is my favourite when I was a medical student, let me enjoy my work. I do feel down and I still get scoldings every now and then. I am not that all-time favourite HO either. But I just love being part of the team. The thing is, I find it too challenging and I am not sure whether I am up to the challenge. It is too vast and I am not sure if I am capable of doing it. In short, I feel that myself is short of what is required. You know, the feeling of maybe-you-are-not-meant-for-this.

Regardless, I am going to do my best. At least that is what my life deserve out of me. What the people deserve and my colleagues as well. I was on the verge of giving up the other day, not to let everything go, but giving up in the sense of doing things just at par, not at my very best. And I had a huge knock on my head, when I had to share things with my juniors and I ended up telling them: "Never underestimate your own capability coz whatever you have is whatever Allah had granted you; and underestimating it is like insulting your Lord's gift to you." 

And as I said that, it feels like a knife was stabbed slowly through my heart because I was just about to do the opposite. I was just about to be lousy and lazy. I was just about to use my capacity as I wish not as it deserved to be utilized. I almost insulted my own self . I almost murdered my faith by insulting The Almighty's gifts to me. Thank you Allah for still giving me a chance to prove myself not among the hypocrites. O Allah, make me among the righteous, save me from hypocrisy and things that brings forward Your wrath.

I would walk the talk, even though it is done upon obligations, not on free will, because I would rather suffer to be the best of myself than being a hypocrite.

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