I said no but I want to say yes, but there are more buts...

Assalamualaikum w.b.t. and greetings,

I've made someone angry, didn't I? Because he said: "xx, I am angry with you." Sorry for that, didn't mean to make you angry. Perhaps... I don't know what to say.

I said no, for a reason. And at the same time, I want to say yes for another reason. I am undecided. Or perhaps, deciding with the contradiction in my head. Laughing when I wanted to cry. Being silent when actually I had a lot to say. Another 'he' said: "xx, I am sure you have a lot to say right?". You are so good because that is so true. Yet, the words won't come out. They prefer to stay in my mind. My motor function is not working...

Reconsider... I am always in the state of reconsideration that I have to tell myself to stop it and it will all be over when the AGM is done with...that was what I thought until I was given another offer... Huhu, life is never easy huh? still, i like this quote: 'life is too short to be miserable'...

Why I am so confused?

This association, XXXX, has been part of my life until now, drive me out of my comfort zone at times and more importantly, lead me to a better self. Being part of it is really great, and of course, other people in it are awesome! How I wish to continue being part of it when it had given me lots and lots of opportunities and chances. Not to mention I love working with the people in XXXX, and it would be a great loss not to be able to work with them, as a team. How can I walk away when XXXX have given me all these??? What an ingrate I am...

But then, here are some few things that were kept silent in my mind just now...

I said no because I feel like I want to have more time for myself. I told you that I am afraid that I may not be able to handle XXXX and PPPPPP at the same time, unlike the 'superman'. I may make it through, if I tried my best(belum cuba, belum tahu) but then, that is still a question and to be honest, it is not just that. I want to have sometime for myself. Selfish huh? Why does I want to have this time I am mentioning? If I join XXXX, my time will be used to provide me experiences I could never get anywhere else. But then, this time I am asking for is for me to spend some time to seek knowledge. Yes, Knowledge. I am not the kind of genius who are able to grab knowledge just by listening to the lectures or flicking through the notes(only if I am awake and didn't doze off). Not to mention that there are lot more to be discovered. Not only medical stuff, but knowledge about my religion as well. Islam. I have very limited knowledge about Islam when I claim it is my way of life... but the thing is, if I am not joining, can I really make full use of this extra time I have to seek knowledge like I wanted? Or is it just a bluff? I have no idea bout that and I am afraid of the latter. Am I being selfish? Please tell me.

That is the only one thing that made me truly worried.

The truth is: I don't want to be the victim of my own selfishness...

I am sorry and I truly am. and I am thankful for every thing you gave me and please forgive me for everything I have not done right.

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