Saturday, May 14, 2016

I'm just being selfish and foolish

People have their own views on life. Good or bad. Ugly or beautiful. I do as well. But my perception usually changes. Most of the time, I feel that life is too tiring that perhaps death would have been easier, but going through the same thought made me think: am I ready to die? Have I repented on my sins? Have I done enough deeds? Was it my presence or perhaps, my absence treasured?

I've seen many deaths. Young and old. Sometimes so sudden, sometimes are long expected. I wondered whether these experiences changed me for the better? Did I learn the lessons? Or did I closed my eyes and soul to it?

I lived my days, trying to do my best. Many at times I failed and disappoint myself and absolutely, those around me. I was taught and told to plan my life, living it for the eternal tomorrow. However it seems that I'm being forgetful, as I lived my days gayly, thoughtless, sailing through without much consideration. Being mesmerised by the beauty of life, and sickened to shameless cold heart by other people's misfortune and weakness. Making my heart colder and harder each day. Deaf and blind to signs from the universe and Almighty. Till a point that my heart is so sick, so sick that it chose wrong over right, evil over good and darkness over light. Despite of knowing the consequences, the ultimate ending. But that's how hard my heart has become. So dark that even blinding brightness couldn't even make the slightest shadow.

Dear self, why have you been so selfish yet so cruel to yourself?
Why have you been so foolish when you at least have little knowledge to help you away from being astray.
Why did you insist on being wrong?
I couldn't help but to be disappointed with you. And you know yourself, that disappointment is something you hate so much coz it brings you to the lowest of low and deepest of grievance.

Dear self, please wake up.


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