Many people told me that they are proud of my achievements, especially over my recent success on passing my defense. Of course, there are still many more hurdles in future, but at least I am one step closer now.
But what I don't understand is that I don't feel proud at all. Relieved, definitely. It had been a long struggle since I started, so yes, definitely relieved. Should I be proud of myself?
Honestly, I am lost.
I felt awful yesterday and last night.
coz I felt dreadful over comments by Prof after we had mock presentation in the morning.
and I didn't get the chance to present to my own supervisors before - not sure why, but I kind of disappointed over this.
I felt hopeless and deflated, thinking that I will surely fail.
I cried many times throughout the day after coming back home. And definitely while driving home.
At 12 midnight, I felt it was the worst birthday ever.
but then... I forgot to look at the good things.
Prof allowed me to perform a Sistrunk procedure - of course partly ('mainly') done by him.
I had criticism during a mock presentation - which means I still have time to do correction and prepare before the real defense.
I did not get to present to my supervisors- but hey, I did get to present to one of the senior panelists, and also my previous supervisors (Prof Emeritus tau! hehe)
Why would I allow myself to feel terrible over what had happened? Why didn't I enjoy the present moment- Mek Ayah, my ohana and all the lovely people around me (and from far who have always been in my heart) :) and the day couldn't be better. Alhamdulillah ❤️
and my beloved boss ;) ;) said: "Ya.. one exam wont define you.. its what you do here onwards to your patients that defines you.."... too bad that he had to endure so much complaining beforehand. Sorry boss 😘
and I am grateful for this fb post that came across my wall, it really knocked me on the head so I could enjoy the moment.
here was the quote:
Complaining drains the good energy of the complainer and listener. Focus and take action on what we can control instead. And be grateful for the blessings that we have. The rest will take care itself.
-Richard Ker
So, let us not worry over the past and embrace each moment and do our best! Jia you 💪🏼
and never knew how much more time I have left...
Alhamdulillah.
10 years ago - 2013. I think (as far as I could remember) I was still eager to be a surgeon. Living my days as medical student - learning, practicing, managing stress, making friends, meeting new people, whilst trying to pass my medical school so I could become a doctor. Why? Because I wanted to be a surgeon.
and fast forward 10 years, I am on my way to become one - yet to defend my thesis this coming Monday (July 10th) and insyaAllah if I passed, final exam in October and November.
p/s: these past four years - there were so many moments I wanted to quit (perhaps still do). I am not sure myself what made me stay :P
15 years ago - 2008. I completed my SPM - offered scholarship to study medicine oversea (but wasn't the region that I wanted so I turned it down and made an appeal). Enrolled in matriculation. Lived my introvert life. Close circle of friends - roommates, tutormates (chief, Farah, Shikin, Aisyah, Nash, and many more) esp Farah who tirelessly woke me up every time I dozed off during lectures. Received a call regarding my appeal - I was offered another scholarship at selected region, but this time the course offered was: Nuclear Physics. In that short instance, I didn't know what I was thinking or what led me to the decision- but I remembered asking if they offered medical course which obviously they didn't and then I said: "I am sorry I have to turn down the offer, but I wanted to do medicine". Well, that decision led me to where I am now. And definitely met many beautiful souls along the way 🥰
Given the chance to turn back time- Would I choose the same?
Probably not. Miahahahaha. Once I told my boss - the price is too much to pay.
That doesn't matter because we are where we are now. So, let's live the moment <3
So, today I want to wish good things for myself and for many others who have been kind or is kind to me or reminds me of kindness🤲🏽
Happy happy happy prosperous day and have a great a life ahead 💐🎉🎊
A few weeks had passed.
I had a good start to the year. Little did I know that ugly, terrible things were to follow. Don't judge me. I am writing this out as an effort to let go and move on.
A tragedy happened that shook me to the core. Something that made me question myself, lose trust in others and more importantly, something that I am trying to stop doing - blame myself. It had been about a month. It is over, yes. But the repercussions remain. LOL. And it will for about ten years or so.
I still question myself why I did what I did. Because retrospectively, it was unbelievably foolish. And the more I think about it, the harder it is for me to forgive myself.
The wise sorcerer told me to reflect on this matter - and learn from it, and know more about myself. Surely, there is a lesson behind it. And like any other life lessons, until it was learned, it shall happen again - perhaps in different ways, who knows?
That was the hardest part of it - reflect on it and learn from the lesson. Because it hurts. I had been trying to forget it, numbed myself to it, as a way for me to be able to carry out my daily life, work on what I need to do. And enjoy what people call the present moment. I am yet to succeed so far. But hey, that doesn't mean I should stop right?
Hope things will get better for all of us :)
Love you, let's not make life difficulties stop us from being kind.
2023
Alhamdulillah it is a new year.
I started the year with not many resolutions in my mind.
There were very few in fact.
-Getting my thesis done.
-Passing my masters- and everything that comes with it.
-And at some corner of my heart- finding a partner🙈 (but of course, I never said this out loud).
My boss called me and asked - what’s your resolution for this year Fatimah?
Then I said nothing much, I just wanna pass my masters.
Hmmmm, that’s nothing wrong with that. But you should add memorising one surah per month. Even the short ones.
That felt like a slap on my face.
Because I really didn’t make any resolution pertaining to my spiritual health.
But I am glad my boss reminded me about that.
Honestly, I had not been working on that (this is a reminder for you to start working, self!)
The first week of the year was stressful - I had to defend my thesis project (not the final viva, but this evaluation would decide whether or not I could proceed with the project).
There were multiple meetings with my supervisors - a lot of amendments and corrections each time. The final one just few days before the presentation - I guessed my Prof could see the frustration on my face. She told me: "Fatimah, I'd rather drill you now and get you prepared before you got drilled by the panel and affect the outcome of your assessment". Her statement was an eye-opener. As much as I was tired by the 'never-ending' corrections - they were actually for my betterment.
But I think the best part of preparing for that evaluation - the fact that I found someone to be my confidant all along. Someone who is not really funny, but definitely sweet and pleasant and had been a great listener. I'll definitely pray for our future together. InsyaAllah. And he made me feel like the last resolution is doable this year 🙈. Please pray for us - in this dunya and akhirah.
May this year and the coming years are filled with lots of love, deeds and patience for all of us. May Allah guide us to His blessings, love and forgiveness. May Allah grant us the best of rizq which are full of barakah to all us, which will bring us closer to Allah and becomes a means for us to Jannah. <3
There will be times in our life that things just go smoothly. As we had wished and planned.
What we need comes at the right time, the right people lent their hand at the perfect moment.
Things just go as it was 'meant to be' (by our definition).
But that weren't all. Life wouldn't be fun if all there is right?
There are times that things get hard.
What you hoped for didn't materialize.
The 'one thing' you need to make it happen just didn't appear making all of it futile. Or so you think.
I thought my progress had been ok.
Maybe not excellent. But ok. Acceptable.
But that was what I thought.
The higher-ups didn't think so. I am not up to par. Lacking confidence.
What went wrong, self?
Where was your enthusiasm?
Where your curiosity went?
Maybe your perseverance weren't enough? Or is it working against your favour now?
Maybe kindness is placed where it shouldn't be.
I am not sure what went wrong.
I just know I need to stop being hurtful to myself.
Dear self, this too shall pass.
And you shall go through it well, ok? Coz I love you <3
#29012023
#loveyou
#agiidupagingelaban
