I'm just being selfish and foolish

People have their own views on life. Good or bad. Ugly or beautiful. I do as well. But my perception usually changes. Most of the time, I feel that life is too tiring that perhaps death would have been easier, but going through the same thought made me think: am I ready to die? Have I repented on my sins? Have I done enough deeds? Was it my presence or perhaps, my absence treasured?

I've seen many deaths. Young and old. Sometimes so sudden, sometimes are long expected. I wondered whether these experiences changed me for the better? Did I learn the lessons? Or did I closed my eyes and soul to it?

I lived my days, trying to do my best. Many at times I failed and disappoint myself and absolutely, those around me. I was taught and told to plan my life, living it for the eternal tomorrow. However it seems that I'm being forgetful, as I lived my days gayly, thoughtless, sailing through without much consideration. Being mesmerised by the beauty of life, and sickened to shameless cold heart by other people's misfortune and weakness. Making my heart colder and harder each day. Deaf and blind to signs from the universe and Almighty. Till a point that my heart is so sick, so sick that it chose wrong over right, evil over good and darkness over light. Despite of knowing the consequences, the ultimate ending. But that's how hard my heart has become. So dark that even blinding brightness couldn't even make the slightest shadow.

Dear self, why have you been so selfish yet so cruel to yourself?
Why have you been so foolish when you at least have little knowledge to help you away from being astray.
Why did you insist on being wrong?
I couldn't help but to be disappointed with you. And you know yourself, that disappointment is something you hate so much coz it brings you to the lowest of low and deepest of grievance.

Dear self, please wake up.

#slapmyself

Read More

Irony

All praise and greatness to Allah swt

Yesterday, I was given the chance to do one of the things I enjoyed very much. Very much. Playing swing. Simple but it gives me lots of delight.


The feeling of going against the wind.
That brief moment when you are hanging in the air, defying gravity, feeling light less. Yet, the next moment you depended on the gravity force, so the cycle continues, like a pendulum, swinging from one side to another.

It's a beautiful irony.
How you enjoyed defying the gravity yet at the same setting, you enjoyed the gravity pull, from one side to another.
How you enjoyed floating in the air yet you also wanted the gravity to be there so it won't stop.
How you wish to be flying yet you want to be safe and unharmed, thus the iron chains used to hold you in the swing.


I wonder if we felt and acted the same way towards our Creator. Which would be shameful.
Wishing for paradise, yet living life as if this world is the paradise, as if no afterlife waiting for us.
Wishing for a beautiful and clean heart, yet keep committing sins and indulge in forbidden pleasures.
Wishing for a blissful life, yet times are spent with evil and malice.



وَهَدَيْنَاهُ النَّجْدَيْنِ

Dan Kami telah menunjukkan kepadanya dua jalan, (jalan kebaikan untuk dijalaninya, dan jalan kejahatan untuk dijauhi)?

فَلَا اقْتَحَمَ الْعَقَبَةَ

Dalam pada itu manusia tidak (memilih jalan kebaikan) merempuh masuk mengerjakan amal-amal yang tinggi darjatnya di sisi Tuhan;

(Surah al-Balad 90:10-11)



I wonder if we ever allow ourselves to learn the ironies of our lives, beyond the conflicts and problems. Whether we realize the contradicting wants and desires in our hearts.

It is just like the swing; if you let yourself hang in the air and not allowing yourself to go along with the swing, you are letting yourself fall straight on earth. In this case, both are as a result of gravity. Would you hold on to the rope and swing along (abiding the rule) or would you let it go? Just so you (hopefully) can forever be in that hanging moment but it would actually make you fall and hit the ground?

Do we allow ourselves got torn apart between these desires? Or do we maneuvered them well? This world is not to be fulfilled. It is to be spent; for the gain in the hereafter. Do we learn from the ironies of life? It is being human to have desires but do we let our Imaan take hold of it or we heed our nafs instead? Do we abide by the rule of Allah hoping to earn His blessings or would we be like those who have transgressed?



#slapmyself

O Allah, save us from things that bring forth Your wrath, save us from your Hellfire. Make us among the guided and blessed and grant us Your Jannatul Firdaus.

Read More

apa gunanya

Wahai diri
yang dipinjamkan sebatang tubuh yang berisi jiwa dan ruh
Lupakah dikau akan janjimu pada Yang Menciptakan
Lupakah dikau akan lahirmu hasil penyatuan dua insan bergelar ibu dan ayah

Lupakah dikau bahawa janjimu untuk menjadi khalifah di muka bumi;
untuk memakmurkan bukan membinasakan.
Lupakah dikau bahawa darah dagingmu dibesarkan kedua ibubapamu dengan izin-Nya
Apakah dikau lupa bahawa Dia memerintahkan untuk berbuat sehabis baik kepada kedua ibu bapamu?

Apa gunanya hati lapang dan ceria andai hakikatnya dikau mengguris kedua hati mereka?
Apa gunanya dikau terasa bahagia dan selesa sedangkan mereka senak memikirkan kebahagiaanmu?
Benar, telah bertahun mereka berkorban demi kebahagiaanmu dan mereka tidak pernah lelah melakukannya.
Benar, terasakan sepertinya mereka tidak kenal erti perit dan luka tatkala dikau berkata 'ah' ataupun cuba membandingkan mereka.
Benar, mereka telah melakukan sehabis baik mereka dengan apa jua kudrat dan peluang yang mereka punya.
Sedangkan dikau terus beralasan, terus membandingkan, akan dirimu dengan yang kononnya lebih bahagia, akan dirimu dengan kononnya yang lebih berharta, akan dirimu dengan kononnya yang lebih 'terbela' dan 'terjaga' oleh ibubapa mereka.

Apa gunanya seisi dunia ini andai ibu ayahmu berjauh hati. Ingatlah anak, redha Tuhanmu terletak pada redha keduanya, dan murka keduanya mengundang murka Yang Maha Kuasa.

Wahai diri, moga dirimu berbakti sehabis baik buat kedua ibu bapamu. .
Wahai diri, moga dirimu menjaga tutur katamu agar tidak sekali-kali menyakiti kedua ibu bapamu.
Wahai diri, moga tidak sekali-kali dikau berkelakuan atau berkata yang menyinggung perasaan mereka; ataupun menjadikan mereka berhati-hati dalam melayanimu. Kerana tidak selayaknya begitu. Seharusnya dirimu menjaga tutur katamu dan perbuatanmu, indah dalam budi dan bicara, agar senang sentiasa hati mereka.
Wahai diri, moga dirimu tidak sekali-kali menjadikan mereka berjauh hati denganmu kerana sungguh, nilai mereka pada insan bernama anak adalah tidak ternilai. Moga dirimu sentiasa beringat akan jasa mereka padamu yang tidak terbalas melainkan dengan sebaik-baik pembalasan dari yang Maha Pengasih.
Wahai diri, jadilah dirimu anak yang soleh/ah, aset buat ibu bapamu di dunia dan akhirat.



#peringatanbuatdiri

Read More