hammer and nails and bolts and nuts

That forgotten pact:
Once, I made a pact with two of my beloved friends, to be who we wanna become. It wasn't easy for any of us but we did our best anyway. I was doing my very best not until very recently, in which I was just 'sailing' through rather than giving my full effort. Until I was reminded of the pact, of whom I wanna be, of how I have to live my life. It is not other than living life with 'jihad' which literally means doing your very best.


The truth is, I had forgotten about this: 

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Grief × Failure × Joy

بسم الله

Life is so full of randomness. One second you are happy. You never know next. A moment ago you were just chatting with your friend, enjoying the moment but the next thing you know, she could be facing something very saddening and shocking. Indeed, you were shocked yourself.

In one particular time you could be so full of life but in another, you might have wished maybe, just maybe, your life is better made short.

Sometimes, you wish your patient would recover and gain his/her strength but there are just times that they are in so much agony, you wished that you won't 'artificially' prolonging their suffering.

At times, you have so much planning for the future that you really looked forward to keep on living. Perhaps you had forgotten life is full of uncertainties.

There are times you find future is so bleak that you wonder if there is any room for you to be beneficial. Perhaps you have forgotten that hope never fades and His mercy and blessings are always there.

Life is just random. So does this entry.


#neverforgettoexpressyourlove

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$$$

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Many thought that doctors are rich but little do know that not all doctors are rich with money.
But yes, we are rich with beloved people who lent us their support and prayers, when we stand and when we fall.
We are rich with time for our patients for whenever it is, we would serve for their best benefit even if our loved ones are sick at home.
We are rich with colleagues and co-workers who would put up the most cheerful smile and attitude they could cause they also knew how much it meant to a tired soul.
We are rich with superiors who would teach us the right way, in whatever way they would want 
We are rich with attitude to learn and listen to advices as long as we are given the chance to improve. 
We are rich with grateful hearts as love, care and tenderness are the things that nurtured our daily lives.
But please, please also know that like the rest of the people, we are also human being.

*p/s: if u r a doctor n disagree, I'm sorry k let's just learn to agree to disagree

In the end, it's all thanks to the Almighty who had given us everything we have, including our knowledge and capabilities. Thank you Allah.

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~a matter of equation~

"You are not the centre of the equation. Your patient is. At the end of the day, your patient is who matters the most" -quoted from my senior consultant.

Most of the time now, I dragged myself to work. Mostly because:
i) I don't want to burden my colleagues with my MC/ EL
ii) I still hold responsibility over my job even at times I don't feel like doing it.

But true enough, the above saying couldn't be wrong. You would feel bad if you haven't done the most for your patient and vice versa, nothing can beat the satisfaction that you had when you see the patient is in his/her good shape.

One of my specialist had told us: too bad you are in this profession and in this hospital. Welcome to hell. But there are just moments that will bring you through all difficulties such as a mere thanks from the patient or a pat at the back from your boss.

I won't deny that either.

I just won't forget the moment an aunty told me "Thank you doctor, you are such a nice doctor. May God bless you". All I did to her was greeting her and asked how she is while I poke her for few drops of her blood (she just came for blood taking). Still, her smile and those short sentences remained in my memories- to keep me holding on.

You know what, of all three postings I went through so far, this is the most terrible. It is just undescribable. Sorry I couldn't put it into words. Dealing with mostly pregnant women, every time I see one of them, I would've prayed, Dear Lord, make the delivery safe for them and let both the mother and baby come out well and every time I see a lady with a newborn, I would've thought that this lady must have just delivered last night. :P

One early morning, when I just reached the hospital to start my day, I saw this one lady with her newborn, waiting at the lobby, perhaps waiting for her husband to bring home. Needlessly, I smiled at her. To my surprise, she walked towards me and said "Thank you doctor, I had delivered my baby safely yesterday". Still stunned, I could only say, "Praise to Allah. Please take good care of your and the baby at home. Congratulations". And I could see her face shining bright with a smile. Just like the sun, that short moment brightens up my day.

Indeed, in the end, it is the patient that matters.

"Give more and expect less"

O Allah, grant me the strength and perseverance to live this life as means to earn Your blessings and forgiveness.


*this post had been written when I was still in my previous posting. I am truly sorry that it is only posted now*

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walking the talk or is it not?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Praise upon the Lord the Almighty, I am now at least halfway through my training, be it sweats, bloods, tears or laughter. 

No matter how I looked at it, things are just unbelievable. I am not sure now I am a better person or not. Every coming day should have made me better, but I couldn't bet on that. Shame on me for that. And to be honest, I am still not sure of what I am gonna pursue after this. Living through what had happened, I can only decide what I don't wanna do for now. Being in current posting, which is my favourite when I was a medical student, let me enjoy my work. I do feel down and I still get scoldings every now and then. I am not that all-time favourite HO either. But I just love being part of the team. The thing is, I find it too challenging and I am not sure whether I am up to the challenge. It is too vast and I am not sure if I am capable of doing it. In short, I feel that myself is short of what is required. You know, the feeling of maybe-you-are-not-meant-for-this.

Regardless, I am going to do my best. At least that is what my life deserve out of me. What the people deserve and my colleagues as well. I was on the verge of giving up the other day, not to let everything go, but giving up in the sense of doing things just at par, not at my very best. And I had a huge knock on my head, when I had to share things with my juniors and I ended up telling them: "Never underestimate your own capability coz whatever you have is whatever Allah had granted you; and underestimating it is like insulting your Lord's gift to you." 

And as I said that, it feels like a knife was stabbed slowly through my heart because I was just about to do the opposite. I was just about to be lousy and lazy. I was just about to use my capacity as I wish not as it deserved to be utilized. I almost insulted my own self . I almost murdered my faith by insulting The Almighty's gifts to me. Thank you Allah for still giving me a chance to prove myself not among the hypocrites. O Allah, make me among the righteous, save me from hypocrisy and things that brings forward Your wrath.

I would walk the talk, even though it is done upon obligations, not on free will, because I would rather suffer to be the best of myself than being a hypocrite.

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unnecessary comments

بسم الله

For this entry is very much done in hurry, please forgive me.

Dear self, do remember to put your sole confidence and dependence to the Almighty. For nothing shall happen without His will.

Dear self, do pray with full confidence and hope that Allah shall answer your prayer for He is the Exalt and the Strong. Never for a slight moment you have even the thinnest hesitation and doubt in what you are asking for.

Indeed, you had forgotten and you now learnt the result. You trusted too much in yourself that you had forgotten it is from the Almighty whatever it is you had, have or will have. You were very much sure for a certain thing to happen that you rendered yourself to immeasurable broken pieces when it did not happen. It is part of being insaan that you forget. To err is human. So please, do forgive yourself and seek for His forgiveness, for He is the Most Forgiving and the Most Merciful. And seek for His protection from forgetfulness and from hurting yourself and others. O dear, do remember that Allah is in control of everything at every given time.

Love,
Your only and beloved self.
2357H
11 Rejab 1436
30th April 2015

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overwhelmingly speechless

with the name of the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful

life is just what it is.
so does love. a single word can never describe these two words, neither can any amount of words.

love is to learn.
love is to persevere.
love is to be patient.

love is more than just a verb.

love can be present in a tiny thing like petting a pet or in the greatest love of all time.
love can be presented in a nice, sweet smile or a just a mere question of concern towards you.
love can be easily misinterpreted by both the one offering the love and the recipient.

putting it short, it is just impossible to describe love with words.

even so, it is even more difficult to explain about life. it is just is.

i found the episodes in my life very interesting. the ups and downs are very funny, at times i felt they were mocking at me. for example, when you got things that you wished but it carried on in your life in an opposite manner. i am not saying this because i am not content for the life i am living. in fact, i am very grateful by the way life is teaching me its beautiful lessons.

i am now in my second posting of housemanship.

prior to my commencement of my housemanship, i had a wishlist of how the sequence of my posting would go (OnG > medical > paeds > ortho > surgery > ED) - reasons for this are because I am never prepared for medical posting, 2nd, i thought OnG would somehow prepared me for HOship in a rather acceptable pace, n ortho n surgery last because i wanna keep my fav towards the end so i would be enjoying them. nevertheless, like i said before, life has its funny way of teaching me its lessons. most often it comes with either one of these: 1) i got things i really does not want or 2) i got what i want because i think it is the most awesome and fun but it turned out to be the most awful and dreadful.

lesson #1 in my HOship: i got the hospital i applied for. but till now, i am telling myself to be happy with it :)))

lesson #2: i got medical posting first - yeah, i almost cried the moment this news hit me. but it turned out to be the best preparation for me. thank you everyone in medical posting! you are dearly missed <3

lesson # ?:
ok, subsequently (upon entering medical posting) i changed my plan. my wishlist now is medical > ortho > paeds > OnG > surgery > ED (i just need a break after my medical posting here k =D). why ortho? because it was the  most fun and awesome posting when i was med student and it is very much relaxing (this is my presumption k, don't misunderstood). and this time, life takes method 2 to teach me. hmmm3, for now i won't elaborate k, coz i would rather shut myself. nevertheless, ortho is just so loveable and to love is to learn but love is not just about that. the most lovely of all is i found my twin and we are just inseparable. separate us and you shall lose our synergistic effect which is HUGE loss =D

*many things happen in such a short time, it is just so overwhelming*

this job demands me to read everyday. read dear, READ!

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