Just a little bit of faith.

Do we know what we need to do? Or perhaps should do?

I have an upcoming exam in 18 days.

And I know very well I am supposed to prepare for it.

I want to pass. Very much.

But what had I done to increase my probability of such?

None.

I laid my plan 37 days ago of what I should revise and practice- so I would cover most of the topics, as an effort to pass.

But days had passed.

And little did I do.

I sulked. I truly sulked. I had to be honest.

I spent all of my energy and motivation just not to feel bad or sad. I had none left to carry out my plan. Basically it results in zero execution.

And in my attempt of feeling good – I carry out my other responsibilities: attending courses, going home and spending time with my family, going to work, doing the oncalls, meeting up with old friends. All that I love but at the same time I had wrongly used as excuses not to study.

And then I noticed that despite all the above, the people around me had faith in me. They believe in me. Not knowing I put in negligible amount of effort.

Do I still deserve that?

Please. Don't lose that little faith in me. 

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My flight away

Today, I mean now, I am in a KK bound flight, away from home, heading to a place I am quite familiar with- Kota Kinabalu. Two years long. I mean two years had passed since I came to KK - to work, obviously.

And today I feel even more longingly, home.

How long more will I spend my life away from home. Thousand miles away.

Am I opting to stay?
If I do, can I brace myself through it? Am I willing to (God forbid) take the risk of not seeing my beloved family again (when I am so far away from home?)

People say, we cannot have it all.
Then, can I have home?

#tired
#emo

So much of the above contemplation, part of me tells me to be grateful, for so many things:
-I still have my mek ayah and family around
-I have a job
-I have monthly income
-I have a place to stay
-My country is not in the midst of war
-I am 'able' to think, move, live my daily life independently

But... I still miss my ohana

#amIrunningawayfromreality
#19112018


The above was written many months ago.
Life is really an irony.
Now I am missing what I had then.
I guess the saying is really true: For human, enough is never enough.

Lord, please
grant me the strength and patience to live my very best through this.

#emo
#rantingmode

Mabul, 2016

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Addicted

Have you ever experience addiction?

And if yes, is it to someone/something or a certain place/environment?

To be honest, when I was in school,I had to wonder why would someone be so stupid to put oneself in a position that they knew gonna put them in a nasty position later on.
I mean things like drugs, alcohol and many more other stuffs.

Little did I know that i too, would be in such a position.
Well, let's keep the substance a secret. Oops. Hehe.
But it's really a struggle to keep away from it.

At one point of life, one would struggle to do something (i.e. achieve) in study/work/family life.

Never had I thought before that the struggle of not to do something is even more difficult.
Now I understand why they define patience as not only your perseverance in doing deeds but it is also your steadfastness to abstain/renounce sins/temptation.

End note: I am addicted to the people in a far away land.

#missingthem
#10072019

That's right! Life is all about balance. And it ain't easy.
p/s: pic from Keningau trip 160717
#timeflies

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Lucky

Is feeling pressured from being among the fortunate is considered being ungrateful?
I mean to be lucky. And to feel not lucky at the same time. Ok. That’s the nice way of saying it. What it exactly is - feeling that you do not want to fulfill the commitments that come along with it. 

Don’t get it?

Ok.
Here how it goes.

Let say you had been working to achieve something. And many people had been working to achieve the same thing. Meaning, there was competition. And somehow, whether it is by luck or not, you got it! Congratsssss~ yayyy! You got it! And of course, afterwards, you got to live with it - the commitments and requirements that come along with what you had achieved - a path to proceed further.
So, what if now you feel like you don’t deserve it actually ? Like probably fate had made a mistake? As if it’s better off if someone else had gotten in instead? 
And by feeling all the above, are you being ungrateful?
Correction. Am I being ungrateful?
D*mn. CBT is not easy at all.

A cub will always be a cub. Until the time comes for s/he to be a lion/lioness. So be patient, keep on learning and experience the wisdom. Most importantly, to make the most of your time, even if it is as a cub. 

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