Sahabat yang sentiasa bersama

Sahabat itu cerminan diri.

Sahabat itu yang mengingatkan  pabila diri alpa.

Sahabat juga yang mengejutkan pabila diri terlena.

Sahabat juga yang memimpin kembali diri ini tatkala hanyut entah ke mana.

Saya punya seorang sahabat yang terlebih dahulu meninggalkan kami.

Manis orangnya.

Rajin serta konsisten.

Pernah sekali beliau menangis tidak dapat menyelesaikan soalan matematik.
Pernah beliau menangis kerna rindu akan kedua ibu bapa yang kejauhan.

Impian beliau menjadi juruterbang, namun terpaksa dilupakan kerana rabun jauh.

Kemudian beliau nekad untuk menjadi pakar perubatan forensik, tempias pengaruh drama CSI.

Tiga sahabat kemudiannya berjanji  - berusaha sehabis mungkin untuk mencapai cita-cita: beliau untuk menjadi pakar perubatan forensik; sahabat kedua ingin menjadi usahawan wanita berjaya dan saya dengan hasrat untuk menjadi pakar bedah.

Kesungguhan beliau jelas dalam usahanya saban hari.

Dalam mengejar dunia, tidak pernah akhirat terabai.

Kewajipan seharian ditunaikan, dihiasi dengan amalan sunat.

Setelah peperiksaan PMR, masing-masing membawa haluan diri, berpindah ke sekolah pilihan masing-masing.

Tidak sampai dua tahun kemudian, berita pemergiannya mengejutkan dan menghibakan.

Air mata dan doa mengiringi pemergiannya.

Biar jasad tidak lagi bersama, semangat dan tekad beliau yang tidak pernah luntur menghidupkan diri ini.

Agar diri sentiasa ingat akan seutas janji itu.

Terus berusaha untuk mencapai cita-cita.

Terima kasih sahabat, kerana terus bersama dalam perjuangan ini.

Andainya kau tahu, tidak terkira akan berapa kali diri ini putus asa dan culas.

Namun, kesungguhanmu sahabat, dan perjanjian kita terus membakar api perjuanganku, biarpun ada masanya malap, namun tidak pernah padam.

Moga kau berbahagia di sana.

Moga kita bertemu lagi di syurga-Nya.

Sungguh, ku rindu.

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Lembah yang paling dalam

Hidup ini, kita sebagai hamba.

Dan sebagai insan biasa, kita tak maksum, yakni tidak sempurna dan boleh melakukan dosa dan maksiat.

Tanggungjawab kita untuk bersabar.

Bersabar dalam ketaatan.

Bersabar dalam menempuh ujian, dugaan dan kesusahan.

Serta besabar dalam menjauhi kemungkaran dan maksiat.

Allahu Allah.

Ada masa, jelek sungguh dosa dan maksiat. Terasa di hati betapa ruginya insan yang terjebak dalam lembah dosa tersebut. 

Biarpun sekecil-kecil dosa, tetap suatu dosa.

Dan seringkali di saat demikian juga, terasa ringan untuk beribadah dan berbuat kebaikan. Biar sekadar mengukir senyuman, menyatakan sayang dan rindu buat keluarga atau memudahkan urusan orang lain.

Maka semoga saat seperti ini berpanjangan dan berjangkit buat orang sekeliling.

Namun, saya ini lemah dan sering lelah.

Sering kali dosa itu kelihatan begitu indah dan manis. Sangat menggiurkan.

Ibadah wajib terasa begitu berat, sering ditangguhkan. Yang sunat usah cakap, agaknya tak terlintas pun di fikiran.

Banyak benar alasan demi alasan yang diiyakan untuk menangguhkan kewajipan.

Seakan yakin punya hayat dan masa lagi meski hakikatnya hanya Allah yang tahu.

Allah Yang Maha Pengampun, ampunkan dosa-dosaku.

Segera pimpinku kembali ke jalan yang Engkau redhai setiap kali aku tersasar.

Segera dorongku ke arah kebaikan setiap kali aku melangkah menjauhi-Mu.

Segera bimbingku kembali ke pangkuan-Mu kerna sesungguhnya aku dalam sebanyak-banyak kerugian sekiranya aku tidak ya Allah.

Moga aku tergolong dalam golongan yang beruntung.

Moga pengakhiranku pengakhiran yang baik.

Moga akhir hayatku semasa daku dalam ketaatan kepada-Mu.

Moga akhir hayatku dalam aku berperang dengan nafsu menjauhi kemungkaran dan perkara yang mengundang murka-Mu.

Moga akhir hayatku dalam keadaan aku pulang ke pangkuan-Mu untuk beroleh maghfirah dan rahmat-Mu, ya Allah.

Sungguh perjuangan ini lelah.

Kurniakan aku kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk istiqamah ya Allah.

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Just a little bit of faith.

Do we know what we need to do? Or perhaps should do?

I have an upcoming exam in 18 days.

And I know very well I am supposed to prepare for it.

I want to pass. Very much.

But what had I done to increase my probability of such?

None.

I laid my plan 37 days ago of what I should revise and practice- so I would cover most of the topics, as an effort to pass.

But days had passed.

And little did I do.

I sulked. I truly sulked. I had to be honest.

I spent all of my energy and motivation just not to feel bad or sad. I had none left to carry out my plan. Basically it results in zero execution.

And in my attempt of feeling good – I carry out my other responsibilities: attending courses, going home and spending time with my family, going to work, doing the oncalls, meeting up with old friends. All that I love but at the same time I had wrongly used as excuses not to study.

And then I noticed that despite all the above, the people around me had faith in me. They believe in me. Not knowing I put in negligible amount of effort.

Do I still deserve that?

Please. Don't lose that little faith in me. 

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My flight away

Today, I mean now, I am in a KK bound flight, away from home, heading to a place I am quite familiar with- Kota Kinabalu. Two years long. I mean two years had passed since I came to KK - to work, obviously.

And today I feel even more longingly, home.

How long more will I spend my life away from home. Thousand miles away.

Am I opting to stay?
If I do, can I brace myself through it? Am I willing to (God forbid) take the risk of not seeing my beloved family again (when I am so far away from home?)

People say, we cannot have it all.
Then, can I have home?

#tired
#emo

So much of the above contemplation, part of me tells me to be grateful, for so many things:
-I still have my mek ayah and family around
-I have a job
-I have monthly income
-I have a place to stay
-My country is not in the midst of war
-I am 'able' to think, move, live my daily life independently

But... I still miss my ohana

#amIrunningawayfromreality
#19112018


The above was written many months ago.
Life is really an irony.
Now I am missing what I had then.
I guess the saying is really true: For human, enough is never enough.

Lord, please
grant me the strength and patience to live my very best through this.

#emo
#rantingmode

Mabul, 2016

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Addicted

Have you ever experience addiction?

And if yes, is it to someone/something or a certain place/environment?

To be honest, when I was in school,I had to wonder why would someone be so stupid to put oneself in a position that they knew gonna put them in a nasty position later on.
I mean things like drugs, alcohol and many more other stuffs.

Little did I know that i too, would be in such a position.
Well, let's keep the substance a secret. Oops. Hehe.
But it's really a struggle to keep away from it.

At one point of life, one would struggle to do something (i.e. achieve) in study/work/family life.

Never had I thought before that the struggle of not to do something is even more difficult.
Now I understand why they define patience as not only your perseverance in doing deeds but it is also your steadfastness to abstain/renounce sins/temptation.

End note: I am addicted to the people in a far away land.

#missingthem
#10072019

That's right! Life is all about balance. And it ain't easy.
p/s: pic from Keningau trip 160717
#timeflies

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Lucky

Is feeling pressured from being among the fortunate is considered being ungrateful?
I mean to be lucky. And to feel not lucky at the same time. Ok. That’s the nice way of saying it. What it exactly is - feeling that you do not want to fulfill the commitments that come along with it. 

Don’t get it?

Ok.
Here how it goes.

Let say you had been working to achieve something. And many people had been working to achieve the same thing. Meaning, there was competition. And somehow, whether it is by luck or not, you got it! Congratsssss~ yayyy! You got it! And of course, afterwards, you got to live with it - the commitments and requirements that come along with what you had achieved - a path to proceed further.
So, what if now you feel like you don’t deserve it actually ? Like probably fate had made a mistake? As if it’s better off if someone else had gotten in instead? 
And by feeling all the above, are you being ungrateful?
Correction. Am I being ungrateful?
D*mn. CBT is not easy at all.

A cub will always be a cub. Until the time comes for s/he to be a lion/lioness. So be patient, keep on learning and experience the wisdom. Most importantly, to make the most of your time, even if it is as a cub. 

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Perfect Imperfections

I have always seen myself as a reserved, introvert person. Though some would say I am the total opposite of that - friendly, have a loud laugh and definitely not introvert. I usually get along with people just fine, and most of the time I try to avoid people I am not comfortable to be around with - for whatever reason, whether their personality or how they talk to me or sometimes just because the way they talk about the people I like (read: I am close to). Indeed, I can become very judgmental especially so when it comes to people I care about, more than when it is about me (I tend to stonewall these people who I just wish wouldn’t bother to communicate with me). Yeah, the big no-no in any relationship/communication: stonewalling. Very rarely I talk about myself except with few people. So, that's a bit of introduction of me.

Imagine two years back (plus eight months actually) when I got posted to Sabah (luckily Kota Kinabalu though, and even more luckily I got the department I wished for: general surgery), I was all alone (because I was extended for ten days in one of the postings, so I missed the intake in which all my batchmates got posted to Semenanjung). But then, I decided to come anyway and did not even appeal (because I don’t wanna stay longer floating in that hospital :P), and also because I got my department of choice and I thought that perhaps this would be a good learning opportunity for me (and probably easier for me to get posted to somewhere closer to home afterwards). Today, I am very grateful for that decision. If I were to turn back time and given different options, I would still opted for this.

Looking back, I did not start off well. I had difficulty adjusting - being homesick definitely, to blend in with the people in my department, taking baby steps in learning my way through the discipline (knowledge, skills, decision making, etc), doing oncalls, and later on, coping with bosses' expectations and your expected milestones and making sure you are not stagnant (definitely a hardwork for a laid back person like me) and etcetera etcetera. In summary, I am just a flop. 

But I am blessed with amazing people around me. My housemates and classmates who I would stick with for whatever - dinner, meal during weekends, grocery shopping, even if she was going out with her own clique or mates, I didn't care, I just joined them, and be the fifth wheel unashamedly. Definitely Nury, whom I always tagged along ever since my first day in surgery (I hope I am not a nuisance) until we got separated into different units :'( but well, the friendship still flourishes beyond that. Then my friends during housemanship joined me in Sabah, making my life merrier, Elaine's/Evana's place is like my second home (thanks for letting me crash every time), and having these people around also means having people I can be crazy with. 

And little by little, I became close to the people in my department(well, you know who you are), I learned that my seniors and colleagues are definitely very helpful in guiding and giving me opportunities to learn and improve myself (bosses too, of course), I gained bosses' trust (or probably they had no choice, who knows?) and without realizing, I have a bunch of wonderful people around me, people who I definitely miss now. They bore with me even when I was shutting down myself or cocooned myself into my own world. They didn’t ditch me but they gave me the space and time I need, and always lent a hand to pick me up again. There are these people, who I spent my time with. Be it just having coffee, or drive around, or going through fun riddles during our trip to district visit, or hiking, or accompanying me to study, or holiday or staycation or whatever it is, they had successfully kept my sanity intact, even when I feel that I am at the end of my wits. They saved the world from having an additional lunatic >.< And they made me feel my imperfections are all just perfect. And for all these, I thank all of you J

May Lord return the favour in the best possible way :)

x

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