A tribute too late and will never suffice

بسم الله الرحمن االرحيم

I plan to make this entry on someone's birthday.

Someone who I live in before living in this world.

Someone who had brought me up.

Someone who had taught me about faith and believe.

Someone who had instilled in me confidence and esteem.

Someone who had convinced me that she will always be there for me.

Someone whom I love with all my heart but still, I couldn't love her enough if people were to compare our love for each other.

A mother's love is the next powerful thing after your love for Allah and His Messenger pbuh.

I am among the fortunate children to have the touch of a mother.

 الحمد لله كثيرا 

But you know what, I am five days late.

I could never list everything that Mek had done for me, for it is endless.

Mek was the one who had difficulty in sleeping when I told her my SPM chemistry paper was not easy (I just told her it wasn't easy; not it was difficult).

She was the one who kept rekindling my self-confidence when I was in medical school.

She is my greatest source of motivation for just listening to her voice could soothes my worries and boosts my energy.

She would be worried just because I am not smiling.

I am reminded most to smile because she told me she loved seeing me smiling. (so does ayah ^.^)

She never forgets to give me advices over and over again because she knows how forgetful I am.

She is the best mother to have; and you would want to have a mother in law like her. (you gan get the testimonies from by SIL and BIL :P )

Whenever I am not happy or sad or tired or feeling anything not good, she lifted up my spirit even when she is not around. You know how? By telling me that I will always be in her prayers and most importantly, by reminding me that Allah is always with us :)

My all time favourite of all her advices: be a good girl, anywhere, anytime =)

Her advice that I remember the most everytime I feel like giving up: you had chosen your path, so do your best at it!

I am such a bad daughter because I often made her worry, especially when I started working.

This is a story during the first few weeks of my working life:

I was not a hardworking student so I am lacking in knowledge and competency. The result would show when you start working. I worked so slow and very inefficiently I ended up going back from work at 12midnight the earliest with minimal oral intake. The usual hours are 2/3am in the morning. That was such a strain to my body (who had been having excessive sleeping hours and food during half a year holiday). One day off every week was spent for sleep and laundry. I lost 5kg in just two weeks and had a very bad URTI - leaving me almost voiceless. Both mek and ayah were so worried and like a magic to me, they turned up (I am so glad I applied somewhere near home ^.^ ; *tips for newly medical graduate-apply for housemanship in the hospital I am working right now- insyaAllah pasti dapat ^.^). As guilty as I am to make them worry, I was exhilarated by their presence. Even better, mek stayed with me for that night  =) For whatever reason, of all nights I had been having that URTI, I continuously coughing throughout the night, hardly able to sleep despite of the exhaustion. And I remembered, mek called me out and handed me a glass of warm asam jawa drink *it still felt like a dream to me* and biiznillah, my cough got away for the whole night and I got a lovely, deep 3-hours sleep before going back to work the next morning.

A mother's love is like the universe- unquantifiable.

For I am late in writing this tribute, I will include a tribute due in fifteen days in this one as well. After all, it is for mek's another half =) and the story I am about to tell had them both as my saviors.

About a person whom without him and mek, I wouldn't have existed. 

Someone who taught me about living a life. 

Someone who had proven me that there is always a way no matter how difficult life can be.

Someone who wouldn't like me crying even when I was a little girl but will still get worried anyway. 

Someone who would always be worried about my safety and health. 

Someone who would do his best to provide the best for his loved ones. 

Someone who showed me the meaning of courage and perseverance. 

Someone whom my siblings and I called MacGyver because he is such a hero to all of us :)

Ayah was the type who wouldn't talk much about anything unless it was necessary or he was asked about it.

He would always tell me (and my other siblings as well): anak ayah dah besar, boleh buat keputusan sendiri, kalau perlu ayah beri nasihat.

That's how cool ayah is.

Another thing, just recently I heard on radio about woman and man worrying. One of the lines that I remembered was: 'it is not that man does not worry, they just don't show their worries'. It's true. You know why? I did mention before that I lost quite a number of weight when I started working (which is something I like actually), and ayah didn't really say anything. He just reminded me to take my meals properly and not just some light snack, supplied me with multivitamins and told me to have a good rest whenever possible. I never thought the fact that I lost weight worried him until one fine day after few months (after I had regained a bit of weight) when I got home, he said: 'mah dah nampak sihat sikit dah. Macam ni baru lah anak ayah' ^.^

Well, u can conclude yourself ;)

Very much like a dad, ayah is serious no matter how funny and sporting he can be. Mek always said: 'anak-anak mek susah nak dengar cakap mek, tapi kalau ayah cakap sekali je, semua dengar' --> that line summarises how lovely mek is and how strict ayah is =P sorry mek, we all tried our best to be obedient ;D

When I was a child, I used to be a cry-baby(which aggravates my brothers' desire to tease me) and ayah didn't like people crying - this taught me to be stronger and not to cry on petty, little things.

If anyone were to talk about bravery, ayah will immediately come to my mind. Ayah is such a brave man. He would always do his best to give us comfort and security. He would always ensure our safety and be there whenever we are in need. He stood up for the truth and never let a lie lasts. - even more reason to admire him.

And here is the story that would remind me of their love for me:

There was this fine day when I was supposed to celebrate my graduation with the rest of my classmates and lecturers- with our parents as the guests of honour. I looked forward to this day ever since I got the invitation letter, I told my parents earlier so they could get leave for that day- and they did =) In fact, on the day itself, we planned in such a way that my parents would go the venue first and I would come later(the situation wouldn't let us go together). Regardless of everything, destiny had decided for me not to be able to go for that event. Something happened near my workplace. Because of that incident, my parents had to come all the way from Cheras to Klang, and I felt so guilty and sorry for two things - for troubling them all the way there and for making them unable to attend the event. But you know what? They told me that they were grateful that they took leaves so they can be with me and accompany me.  And they said (I would never want to forget, when I told them I am sorry for what had happened):

Mek: 'what important is that mek and ayah want you to be the happiest girl in this world!'

Ayah: 'any time, any where, I will be there for you'

I could never finish this list. No matter what, I am grateful for mek and ayah and no one could ever replace them and no one can love me more than they do=) No matter what, I am grateful for mek and ayah and no one could ever replace them. May I become a daughter who would benefit them both in this world and hereafter.

To mek and ayah, happy birthday, may every second of your life filled with love and blessings from Allah swt, be it in ease or difficulties. Thank you so much for having me as your child. Lnmusm <3 p="">

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Worn out

For long
I had thought
Why me?
Why are these all unending?
How long shall this last?
For I am exhausted
Worn out
Tired
Breathless
To a point that I no longer wish to breathe
So everything shall pass by
Without any effort
Being tireless

For long
I did think in such way
For countless times
I wish for things to end

But just now
I was reminded
That that is how life would be
When we are living for the sake of being
Rather than the sake of the Creator

For if we are living for Allah We shall be tireless as from Him, we ask for strength
We shall be resourceful for He is our Supplier

Shame on me for ever being tired
Pity on me to be searching for what I should not
As for now, Self, please be reminded of your ultimate goal - His Mercy and Blessings ♥

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the secret to keep going on

بسم الله الرحن الرحيم

Alhamdulillah, now I had gone through three months of my housemanship. It wasn't easy and full of dry tears :) Many at times, I had to drag myself going to work, not to abandon my responsibility, to carry out my duty. In a way, you would picture it as something I do because it is obligatory. I wouldn't deny that to an extent. Each day that passes highlighted my shortcomings, be it in knowledge, skill or ability. And for every highlight, it can be very demotivating, devastating, draining every strength and emotion I had left at that moment. Yet, like someone told me, there is always room for improvement, that is why no one is perfect. Some people are so strong, able to go on very positively, looking forward to each day. Unlike me, waiting for the day to pass, dreading for tomorrow. I am that weak and fragile. That's why I sought for strength from Him and through the people He sent around me :)

There were many times when nurses shouted at you; well, you are such a junior stupid doctor anyway. Many more times when you were blamed for others' faults and yet nothing you can say since you are meant to be the punching bag after all. But there are precious few times that gives encouragement that lasts. No matter how simple it is. A patient's smile. A simple 'good job' by your boss. When your boss entrusted you with a task, knowing that you can do it. When a patient personally requested for you to prick him/her. When a patient prayed for you. When you exchange glances and smiles with your equally exhausted colleagues. A simple text from you old friend. A mere smiley through whatsapp. And many more bigger things. The most special of all - my ohana =). Thank you Allah for everything. Thank you sooo much. Thank you for giving me the strength to keep going on ^.^

p/s: life is not meant to be the way we want it, but we are meant to live the best that we can!

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I don't deserve this

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

How shall I start this?

It is very difficult for me to write this out for a few reasons:

i) from some perspectives, it is going to be negative
ii) it is to admit one's shortcomings, negative thoughts and feelings
iii) this could be a side of me people had never seen. 

Nevertheless, I wrote this as a reminder for myself and for those who want to make it to.

For many years, I had been wanting to become a doctor.  A surgeon to be specific. There were times I had gone even more specific (before I got into my clinical years). Neurosurgery. Paeds surgery. I put off the idea for a number of times too. 

For many years too, I had been wondering whether I really want to be a doctor. As each day passes, I need to look for a source of motivation to keep me going. Anything. Be it my parents' voice. Their love and hope. Their advices. My ohana in general. My lecturers. Seeing them. Listening to them. Scolded by them. Encouraged by them. My purpose of living. My ultimatum. A patient. Many patients. Patient's family. An oath. A promise. Whatever. Whoever.

I learnt that some people find it hard to stop. And some find it hard to keep going. I had been in either of them.

something I had overlooked for a long, long time. 

These latter years, in which I had been struggling to keep on living by ticking off my to-do-list, living up words and promises, fulfilling obligations and responsibilities, these are also the years when I had slacked off a lot, many times I got away from the track, wandering alone while putting on deaf ears to the world and most of the time thinking, do I really deserve this?

When I got to medical school, I was like, yay, I got what I want!
After that I was like why am I here?
Then I realized that many would want to be in my shoes i.e. being a med student, so I need to buck up!
And there goes the fluctuations of ups and downs.
Finally, I passed my med school. Alhamdulillah.

But then, the very same question came up: do I deserve this?

We all know that our subconscious mind is more powerful that the conscious part.

Unsurprisingly, my subconscious mind replayed all the reasons and times that would prove I don't deserve this title. There were just too many I am embarrassed to list them all. Here are a few:

i) I was just lucky. Many of the theory questions were things that were popped up by my friends just few days earlier. That does not need a genius if everyone had friends like I do. The short cases stations I had were just fine. Everyone were to pass if they had the same cases and examiners as me. The long case station was a really great luck. Perhaps everyone prayers were on my side. I got the very same case I had discussed with my supervisor. Phewww, who wouldn't pass that?

ii) There are many more of my friends who should be in my place instead. I felt really bad because I know that this is true deep in my heart. They are more hardworking, proactive, kind, lovable, put in greater effort than I do and many more. In short, I have not been optimizing whatever I had had. I had been taking things for granted.

iii) I do things as I please i.e. bare minimum. I am too ashamed to explain the details. My groupmates know better (T.T)

iv) I neglected my study group. I do have a valid reason though, but it was just so cowardice of me to just leave. I am the happiest person to know they all succeeded :') May Allah showers you all with His mercy and blessings.

v) ...


But then...

People keep on telling me 'congratulations!'. Well, I am happy. Who wouldn't be glad to pass and graduate? but it did not end there...

People start calling me with the title. Before this I would just say "not yet, Dr-to-be but not yet a doctor". Now, the title is embedded on my forehead. Running no more.


It finally dawned on me that I had to face this and live it up. I am sorry that I am so slow i.e. 'lampi' (lambat pick-up). So I figured out ways to allow me trust myself. To have faith in myself. To believe in this qadr of Allahu Ta'ala. I might have not done the best but that doesn't mean I could not do my best in the future. Nayyy. Allah's blessings and mercy are infinite. No one could ever convince me the opposite.

I told myself that I might have been taking things for granted for the past five years but for me to come to this point of life, I had done what is necessary. I deserve to have what I have. Fullstop.

I told myself the 'luck' and 'fortune' I encountered during my exam might be just who they are i.e. luck and fortune but they are there with Allah's will. So there is wisdom behind this. I need to be patient. I learnt that (from a talk) sabr is to be applied over three things:
i) Patience in obedience towards Allahu Ta'ala (performing ibadah)
ii) Patience against disobedience towards Allahu Ta'ala (avoiding sins)
iii) Patience over the qadr of Allahu Ta'ala (fate and destiny; there are wisdom in everything)



I am to live my life, the present moment and not being stuck in the shadow of the past. I may let glimpses of the past to guide me tread the path of tomorrow but not to suck me in like a black hole. It is the ending that we all wants. The absolute happiness. Jannah.

One of the reasons that I keep on living my life in this career path is because of a pact I made with two of my friends. In fact, this pact keep me going on every time I came onto a halt. We were three. Now we are two. May Allah grant all of us His blessings and mercy. Perhaps the details would be included in an entry some time later.



And among the things that I always came up with whenever any motivation I came up with failed to surmount this guilt, were my beloved Mek's advice: "You had chosen your path, so do your best at it" :')

:')

I love to collect quotes. They are to remind me because I am very forgetful. They are to give me motivation because I often feels down. They give me the strength and confidence to persevere because perseverance is not just merely waiting.



May this entry benefit you even in the slightest possible way. Till we meet again. Bi iznillah.

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to live or to die?

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Praise and glory be upon Allah The Almighty and The Sustainer

Alhamdulillah, I had been living for 23 years which also means my life is now 23 years short since I was born.

My life has not been easy but it is not that hard when compared to others.
I have lovely parents and family, friends and awesome people around me.
I was given good clothes by my parents, well fed and has everything I need. Often, I get what I want too.
My life is a blessed one and I am grateful for that. 

I would not want to be someone who would shut an eye to all these blessings of mine just because of what some other people has or gain. What has been decreed to us, will get to us even if we run from it and what has not been decreed to us will not get to us even if we run towards it - quoted. 

Long have I lived but it seems so short... and I am ashamed it might not be meaningful to others. I am striving to become better and bring goodness to every creature around me. InsyaAllah.

To be honest, there are many times when I thought: "If I had been given the choice to live or to die, what would it be?". Despite of pondering over this question many, many times, I still couldn't find the answer. I will end up thinking, if I could really choose to die now, have I done enough taubah to atone for my sins, have I done enough good deeds to have the mercy and blessing of Allah swt? and if I chose to keep on living, how would I know that I am not going to commit more sins? how can I be so sure that every single coming seconds of my life will be filled with meaningful deeds and actions? I could never answer that. 

Have we ever thought that the fact of our dying moments are kept secret from us so that we can really, really, really live this life? It is a blessing that we do not know when is our expiry date. So we would do our very best from this moment. Yes, from this moment. If we decided not to change, then nothing can change us. (Ar-Ra'd 13:11).  The change need to start within us. The will to change and our actions towards making a change. 

For long, I had wondered, why am I living my life just because I am not dead yet. I wondered where had been my zeal and enthusiasm for life? How can I choose a career that deals very closely with life and death and yet it is almost like I lost my heart in it? 

I had been living my life like that for long. Yes, indeed. Perhaps I am timid and a coward. Perhaps I am lost in my own direction. Perhaps I do not know even myself and this life. 

I am grateful for my family and friends whom had always make me stay close to the deen. Always. Whenever I went astray, somebody would definitely pull me back. Alhamdulillah. 

And one day, in one of the most awesome conference I had ever attended, the speaker questioned the audience: "how many of us here would like to die for Islam? would like to die in the name of Islam? would like to die for Rasulullah s.a.w?" and I bet every one of us would want to scream our lungs out "I do! I do! I do!".

And then he continued: "so why cannot we live for Islam? why can't we live the way Islam wants? why can't we live like how Prophet Muhammad pbuh want us to live?". That statement hit me hard. Really hard. Like really, really hard. Crushed to the core of the earth. It finally dawned on me. How can I dream of being a servant of Allah and dies in His path when I can hardly live the way Allah wants? I hope and I pray to Allah that I will never ever lose that feeling again. A feeling I could never describe. But that feeling tells me to live my life to the fullest. With خير insyaAllah. I am grateful I attended that conference =) May Allah grant every single person who had made that conference a success and led me to it lots and lots of blessings and maghfirah in this world and the hereafter. 

Another thing that struck me really hard is when my dad told me: "do you know what your granny told me? She said, whenever a parent whom the children are among soliheen, when s/he passed away, s/he will wish that the children will be granted a long life. For their dua(the dua of soleh children for their parents) will benefit their parents even when the parents had passed away." and then my dad smiled. That moment, made me promised myself to be the best of myself for the sake of Allah so I could benefit others. Allahua'lam. May Allah grant us a blissful life and every seconds of our lives bring us closer to Him.

My life is running short. So is yours. Hopefully we will live our lives to the fullest so we can get the best of lives in the after life =)

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Once upon a time

              There was this one time, during a medical students' conference that I was shocked by a conversation I had. This happened years back when I got to meet a lot of awesome medical students from other countries. I had the most amazing group members and facilitators. All of them were so friendly and warm (that I actually felt guilty because looking back, perhaps I had been rather cold) and you just enjoyed the moments because of the people around you, especially your groupmates. Everyone was friendly to each other, except for this one chap, whom I thought was avoiding me (it was my fault since I refused to shake hands with him during the ice-breaking session --> sounds like I had created a thick ice wall huh?). I wasn't offended at all despite of him being so friendly and out-going with others because I bet it must be something to do with me. Nevertheless, I have always been one with curiosity and thought that if I don't ask, I wouldn't have the answer. So, rather than keep on assuming, I asked him after our farewell party, why was he avoiding me? was it because of something I had done or said to him? And his answer is something I did not expect(the words were not exactly like this but this was the gist of his reply that I had remembered until now) : "It's not like I am avoiding you but I don't know what to talk about with you since I am afraid I might offend you. Because I don't know much about Islam and my Muslim friends in my country (in the West) are not like you. They drink alcohol, they go clubbing and stuff like that."

               Thinking back, I was grateful that Allah gave me the strength to practise my religion despite of being among the minority (during that particular conference). May Allah grant us the strength and patience to have Taqwa at all times wherever we are. Another thing that came across my mind today when I was listening to a short reminder from a sheikh from the States (he mentioned about being Muslims in the West to be in a better state) was that more and more people are discovering the light and seeing the beauty of Islam and changing for the better in the West. We noticed more and more scholars are rising from the West. I couldn't help but to think, if I don't do something, and if we don't care enough for the ummah today, there is a possibility that my friend's statement above reflected Muslims from our region. I am not being negative but I just wanted to remind myself that we are indeed in a troublesome state, if not now, perhaps someday if we don't change for the better.

‪#‎slapmyself‬

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air kelapa

Nak tahu cerita tak?

Ada seorang budak ni. Dia suka sangat air kelapa tapi jarang-jarang dia dapat minum. Selalu kalau minum air manis pun, minum air teh, kopi, sirap dan yang seangkatan dengannya. Ada sekali tu, ada orang nak belanja dia minum. Orang tu tanya, nak air kopi atau air kelapa? Terpulang pada dia nak air mana. Agak-agaknya budak tu pilih air apa?

Mestilah air kelapa kan? Walaupun air kopi pun dia suka tapi air kelapa dia jarang dapat. Lagipun, dia mungkin tak dapat peluang nak minum air kelapa lagi lepas tu(sekurang-kurangnya dalam masa terdekat).

Hakikatnya, tiada siapa tahu apa rezeki yang telah diperuntukkan untuk kita di dunia ini melainkan pemilik-Nya. Dan lazimnya, kita akan pilih yang paling menguntungkan kita.

Dalam cerita di atas, yang jarang diperoleh itulah yang mahal kan? Maka itulah yang lebih berharga dan menguntungkan bagi kanak-kanak itu.

Dalam cerita kehidupan kita bagaimana? Keuntungan mana yang kita pilih? Yang sementara atau berkekalan? Yang nampak membahagiakan atau yang sememangnya satu kemenangan?

Allahu rabbi

Ya Allah, janganlah sekali-kali Engkau membiarkan kami menentukan nasib diri kami sendiri walau dalam kadar sekelip mata atau yang lebih cepat dari itu tanpa taufiq dan hidayah dari-Mu.

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unsettled

for whatever reason,

more doubts keep popping up.

even things I thought I had done confidently. I doubt them. I doubt myself.

that is why I hate it. I started to let my confidence waver, my enthusiasm falter.

this is still going to be a long journey though it all seems to come to its end.

be cool. be tough. be patient. be passionate. be strong. be humble.

have perseverance.

things which are meant for you will come to you. things which are not will never come to you despite you ran for it.

keep going on. your job is to work. Allah will decide.

be strong; for the strength lies deep within you.
be good; for goodness is your aim of living
be patient; for that is the root of perseverance
be great; for in greatness you shall be humble
be humble; for you are no one if not for Allah

Persevere - with it you shall improve
Set your goals - do set them sky high
Share - share your knowledge, happiness and success
Celebrate and learn - from your failures and setbacks


If you think you had fallen for me, I knew I had fallen for you; 
we both have emotion to attend to, but we have Islam to be adhered and hold onto. 

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coffee bean

O Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Beneficient


I may be a coffeeholic but that is not the reason I am choosing this title.

Have you ever heard a story about the coffee bean?

I am not sure of what I did. I am not sure if I was aware of my choices and what would I choose in future. However, I am bloody certain about the kind of life I am living in.

There are lots of times when I ponder about life. The reason of life - we all know it too well. To live the best you can in order to make the best living in the hereafter. The not-so-good thing is that I often question why me? There are times that I thought, why didn't I die when I am not yet baligh so that I can wait for my parents in front of the paradise? Living this short life (hardly 30 years), I am sure I would pass all the amusements in this world if I can choose to die earlier. No matter how, I am way past that opportunity.

The reason I am still alive? To live the best life that I can!


but why ain't I doing it? Living the best? T.T



So this story about the coffee bean, I learnt from the movie Shanghai Calling.

How a pit, after being plucked out of its shell, being processed, burnt, crushed and boiled to make a serving of wonderful coffee.

Ourselves. Do we let ourselves to withstand such pressure and challenges so that we can become better? Or would we just be on the safe side for long as we wish to be?

I am sorry for such a bleak thought. As for now, I replayed my beloved Mek's words over and over again:
"Choose you own path and do your best at it". 





*People say that motivation does not last. That is why we need it everyday.*



Dear self, hereby I promise you that I will never let myself drained out of good things. Ever.

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that one secret

assalamualaikum wbt

"you just got to believe"

Well, I suppose that is the gist of Kungfu Panda. The Secret.

It is true, we got to believe in oneself and that would kick off everything. If one could do something by the mere fact s/he is just doing it, perhaps that is just coincidence. Nevertheless, that is not the one secret I want to talk about. 

This one particular secret is something one knows so much of it but not really so. At times, it is something everybody knows but no one really knows.

I remembered in one of the drama that I watched when I was a child, a successful trade man was asked about his secret of success. He answered: "love". Love the people around you and they will love you back. Love your job and you would do your best. Love your stuffs and you would treasure them. Simple isn't it? Indeed, saying is much more easier than getting it done.

I suppose everyone had had the experience right? How love brings you to the top of the world and yet it makes you realize how endless the abyss is. There are so much to say but I am at loss of words.

O Allah, grant us Your love, the love of those who love You, deeds that bring us to Your love.

Dalam apa jua keadaan, meski lidah terkelu untuk menutur bicara, meski akal terhenti dalam memikirkan hikmah dan logika, meski hati remuk untuk terus merasakan lagi, Allah tetap mengerti segalanya tentang kita

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